Free to Be Me...

Being True to Me…


I have come to understand that being true to me will mean losing others…
I spent most of my life with this reputation as being this smart, outspoken, take no prisoners, kind of person…

There was a lot of truth in that…
But a greater truth was the same woman that was all those things was also…
A caretaker, very careful about what she said to certain people and when she said them…I discovered that this was an insult to those people because I had arbitrarily decided that they could not handle the truth, so I needed to sugarcoat it for them…take care of them…
I also had to look inside myself and admit,
The only reason some of these people were in my life was,
Because I had instigated the relationships and nurtured them,
I knew that many of these relationships would not exist had I not created them…
For an honest person I lied a lot…
Mostly to myself…

What is this doing for me?

I am free
Free to be me …
Free to say what is really on my mind and in my heart…to those that can handle it and can give it back…
Free to lose relationships that stifle me…or that make me deny me…
Free to embrace relationships that help me grow,
Spiritually,
Emotionally,
Completely,

In the past couple of months I have seen the looks on some friends faces that say…
Who does she think she is? To say that to me…or to not be there for me in the way that I need her to be?
I am who I always was, I just don’t have the energy or the inclination to carry the weight of my relationships anymore…I want and need reciprocation, I need honesty, I need real concerns, I want to make a difference... I don’t care what you eat, what you wear, where you live, what kind of car you drive,
I care about how you love, how you feel, what you are doing to make the world better for others…

To get to where I am today, many things had to occur;
My mom died, a year later my godmother died, several months later my husband was diagnosed with cancer, I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, I started writing…two of my aunts died…
I survived all of those things…
They made me stronger, but they also made me recognize,
Life is short,
Way too short to spend my time caught up in mess…
Or superficiality,
Or hiding myself...


In early 2006 I stripped naked for the world,
I published a book…revealed myself in a way that can never be hidden again…

For many of the people in my life I became someone they did not know…
To my husband I became independent…sexier…more his woman than his wife…
To my children I became a woman…not just a mama…
To my elders I became an equal…not just a child…
To my fake friends I became nonexistent…
To my real friends I became realer…
To my white friends I became blacker…
To myself I became honest…

I had to unshackle myself, admit my flaws,
Face my fears,
Admit my desires,
Play the hand that life dealt me,
Lose people that were not good for me and that I was not good for,
Embrace people that would empower me, challenge me, forgive me, appreciate me, allow me to just be…

It has been a painful journey,
I saw my friends cry,
I had to walk away and leave them with tears on their face,
With tears running down mine…
I had to hear the click of a phone in my ear by someone that I loved dearly,
I had to allow the phone to remain silent, even if it meant I would not hear that voice for a long time,
For me to pick it up would commit me in a way that I did not want to be committed,
I had to allow my sons to fall in order to be able to rise,
I had to have faith that God would care for all of the people in my life,
The way he was caring for me,
I had to say no to many to say yes to me,

I had to learn to be free,
To be me…

I am still learning…