I hear folks say all the time, she is just like that, or I am just like that,
And it is true, we are who we are, but this is also true, we can make a decision,
To do things differently, anytime we want to, honest…
The trick to the thing, is we really have to want to be and do different,
I remember the first time I knew this, I was all of thirteen,
I remember that as being one of my toughest years,
My young self had developed this amazingly grown body,
Attention was coming my way that didn’t feel right, and I had grown an armor to deal with it, also, my home life was a topsy and turvy, didn’t feel for the first time I could
Depend on the adults in my life, it was scary,
So what I did, was become tough on the outside, putting on a veneer of not caring,
And it worked, so well…
One day sitting in language arts, Mrs. Miller wrote on the chalkboard,
‘What is an HB with a BA’, many tried to figure it out and couldn’t, I wasn’t sure,
But I knew I didn’t like how it sounded, finally she told us, it was,
A human being with a bad attitude, I felt that down in my bones, I knew she meant me,
I didn’t want to care, but I did, my grades were awesome, I even helped other students,
But my personal pain, led me to sarcasm and disregard for the feelings of others,
There were so many things I couldn’t control, but I could control how people came at me or so I thought. So I hung around and asked her if she meant me,
Looking straight at me with her hazel eyes and beautiful brown face,
She said, ‘Yes, many of us have noticed a change in you this year and we are worried…”
I know she wanted me to talk about, but, I couldn’t, too loyal to too many people,
What I did though as I walked home is made a decision to not allow my mess to affect others, every morning I got up, I chose to have a better attitude, because even at the tender age of thirteen, I knew those folks I was cutting to shreds with my laser sharp tongue, had done nothing to me,
And I was so grateful that my teacher valued me enough to tell me about myself,
Amen,
Now, I am not going to front and say, there were not days when someone caught me wrong, I didn’t wreak havoc, oh, yes I did,
But every day, I made an effort and mostly I succeeded,
I also discovered that when I acted better, I felt better,
Now, almost forty years later, it still works, when I am feeling messy,
I pray and quickly brush that dirt off my shoulders,
No one around me deserves that and neither do it…
Blessings,
Angelia
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