SELF_ISH

Okay, confession time… One of the hardest things in the world for me was to be about me,
To just do me and what I want to do, there I said it, used to think it was because I was the oldest child, well, umm found out that isn’t necessarily so, some first children have no issue with it at all…
I will say that I have gotten better at it, for years I denied myself anything that would be considered frivolous, well almost anything, I always purchased books…but other things I felt as though it were wrong to do, even when I could afford it, didn’t buy clothes for myself without buying something for the kids or my man, made me feel virtuous and less selfish…never had a manicure or pedicure until a few years ago, seemed a waste of good money, though I wanted to, and guess what could afford it, just didn’t do it, would gift other folks extravagantly and be miserly with me…ummph ummph ummph!
Then gradually, something shifted, I changed, my spirit changed and I realized that it was okay to do for me, after all, my tithes were paid, my bills were paid, I invested in my 401K, my kids were grown, so what in the world was wrong with doing for me and where oh where did that come from…
Then I realized it came from a lot of different places, mostly fear, I had spent a great deal of my time, watching people and one thing I never wanted to be was ‘stereotypical’. I never wanted to be the sister who didn’t have anything to show but how she looked and what she wore, so I avoided that, was frugal and conservative…because believe you me, I knew so many who bought into, ‘Fake it till you make it, look good no matter what…’ also, there was the people I allowed in my head, ‘You don’t need that, or this or the other…’ Never questioned why they felt like that, just accepted it…and one of my biggest fears was to have those I love disapprove of my in some way…didn’t show it, I was a cool as a popsicle in an igloo, but it was still true, because you do know don’t you, that just because folk can’t see, it doesn’t mean it ain’t real…
But gradually, the closer I got to God and the more I learned about the Word and my spirit flourished, I realized it was just as sinful to not take care of myself as it was to not do for others…so I stopped trying to hide, and pretend I didn’t care about things…that I did, I decided that as long as God was pleased with me and my house was in order, I could do things I love, and that there was no harm in taking good care of the one who took care of others…ME~
BE PEACE~
Angelia
www.angeliamenchan.com