Anjuelle Speaks of Me Again~

This morning as I go through a crazy writer's transition I woke to Madame Floyd having blogged about me again...Bless Her Soul, she provided me with her words and my own words, just what I needed today...

http://www.anjuellefloyd.com/2010/03/30/of-inner-muses-boxes-and-preserving-who-we-are/

BE PEACE~
angelia

DEALING~

What a day yesterday was, I woke up aching from my hair to my toenails, I suffer from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and when it hits, it hits and usually hangs around several weeks to remind me I am a woman, not a machine…anyway…
My first inclination was to work from home, but it was Monday and I always have leadership meets on Mondays, not only that the budget was in and I had to have face to face with my Project Officers so off to work it was…and then the onslaught…

All day there were blessings…a wonderful interview by Anjuelle Floyd that touched me heart and soul…many messages from people currently reading my work and from those who had already read it...

Then there were trials, folks reminding me of obligations I had made months earlier and telling me not to get beside myself…dang…

I pushed through all of it…and it was a push, I had to make some decisions that though I knew were the right ones, they weren’t easy to make…I also had to take some words from folk I loved on the chin like the big girl I profess to be, because I knew they were right, double dang…

By the time I got home I was shaking with tiredness, but I knew my granddaughter was coming over for a bit, so I gathered what little bit I had and shared a wonderful two hours with her. She must have known that NaNa was butt-dragging because she was low key, we ate a bowl of rice and had a bit of juice and then mostly she stood by the window looking at the new roses I had planted…thanks, thanks, thanks..

When my man got home from a meeting we sat side by side after dinner, not saying much, he knew I was tired…

When I got in bed, I lay there, thanking God for another day, allowing this life he has provided me, roll before my eyes…though I still felt whipped, I felt BLESSED and THANKFUL…because I had come a mighty long way and was blessed to have the issues I had…for real…

Angelia
www.angeliamenchan.com

Anjuelle Floyd is talking about ME...Shh

Anjuelle Floyd is talking about me, and I could not be more pleased. Check it out!


http://www.anjuelle floyd.com/ 2010/03/28/ of-blogging- motherwit- four-and- generosity/



BE PEACE...

angelia

OW, OW, OW~

For a couple of days, I was just…ummm, ishy…yup, sure was, in many ways I guess I was having a pity party, a woe is me kind of thing…yes, the deep one has a couple of those a year…but yesterday was the worse…I ended up in a vehicle with several of my co-workers and they yattered and yattered…annoyed the heck out of me, normally I would be able to ignore, or write stories in my head, but yesterday it annoyed…got back to the office and head was hammering…

When I got home it was a couple of hours before church, so I went to my office and started blasting, I mean blasting Shirley Murdock’s gospel album…I rocked and rolled…then I got on the internet and started opining…felt good, needed to get some stuff off my chest…

Then my man came home and three words in, I could see that he knew exactly where I was…we got in the car, I said something, he said something I didn’t like it…woo hoo…he simply smiled at me…smirking back I said to him, “ I really hope Pastor C, kicks my butt tonight, I need a rhema word, I need him to bring it…’ well honey, I got what I asked for…

He did the parable on the Pharisee and the tax collector and oh my God, I saw myself in all my ugly…and I loved every single moment of it, even when I was going ‘OW, OW, OW’…I could feel myself calming down, recognizing my own ‘holier than thou’ attitude I had been assuming all day and I took my beating, because I had it coming…that is what being saved is about…not perfect, but willing to see your own mess and recognize that you are just as jacked up and sin filled as everyone else, but also to know that God sends you messages and that what you really have to do is listen, believe, accept and ask God to forgive you for your mess, over and over and over again, and do your best, to do better, knowing that you will once again fall short, but you are covered by a loving, forgiving God who knows your heart and will heal your ugly…

BE THE PEACE YOU SEEK~
angelia
www.angeliavmenchan.com

BLOWING SMOKE~

Sometimes we act as if though we say something enough times it is true…you know what I mean, you get fired from a job you really loved and you tell everyone who will listen, ‘It was just a job for me, I didn’t really want it…’ umm hmmm…
Your man or woman dumps you because you were messing up and you know you are in love with them, so you say…”Shoot, I didn’t really love him/her anyway, she was too full of drama, or I didn’t dig him anyway, he didn’t even have a good job…’ sure, sure, sure…

That could all be true, but mostly it is ‘just blowing smoke…’ and the only one you are fooling is you…when you know it is when you sit down, all alone and think about how you were living before you messed up that job…and wishing quietly, no matter what you say out loud, that you wish you had done this that or the other…
Or you see her riding through the hood, hair flying in the wind as you wait for the bus, or see him opening the door for his new honey, while you stare after them as they take off down the road…

Blowing smoke…

It is absolutely cool to admit to yourself that you messed up, and then to focus on not doing that again, and when around others it is okay to say nothing if you are lying…if you are in pain about something, just quietly pray about it and stay mum, because saying it ain’t so, don’t mean it ain’t so…
I remember when I published my first book..it was like having a third child…I loved that book and all it stood for..and the first time someone said something negative about it, it stung like salt in an open wound…I can remember the exact words, ‘Your writing is too narrative, and your sentences run on and I cannot stand to read all that stuff…’ whew…but you know what, I didn’t pretend like it didn’t bother me, it did…so I chose to listen to advice and try to step up my game and learn as I go…ironically, and life is always full or irony…many, many of my readers say that is their favorite book…hmm hmm…be that as it may, I didn’t try to fool myself or anyone in to thinking I didn’t care about something I cared about, because the realness is, that when we are all alone and the crowd is gone and we have done all we can do to convince people we didn’t care…we mostly do…

So acknowledge caring, don’t try to front, however, next time around step up your game and handle your business…it will free you from BLOWING SMOKE~

BE THE PEACE YOU SEEK~
Angelia
www.angeliamenchan.com

LET MY WORDS~

A few days ago I was asked to write a bio for my new website, I must confess, I am always reluctant to say, Angelia Vernon Menchan graduated from such and such and does so and so…because that says so little about who I am or what I am trying to convey…however, I do touch on the fact that I was once a Job Corps Counselor, because I consider that to have been the best paid work I have ever done…anyway…what I want to convey is that from the outset, writing for me was a way of simply expressing myself…in terms of fiction, it was straight up storytelling, tapping into some of the places I would only dare go on paper and to get people caught up in the what ifs…as for blogging that was a way of venting, letting it out, saying what I needed to say without going off sometimes…
I was told by someone who is very savvy that I was hurting myself by talking about all the things I talked about on my blogs and that all I should talk about was my books…of course, I didn’t listen, I am a hard-headed woman you know…actually, what I had discovered is that people who came by my blog initially was because they knew that I wrote books and they just wanted to hear what I was saying…but it wasn’t long before they came back and brought others with them, and check this out, even though I rarely talked about my books, they started purchasing them, because, it seems they wanted to know what else I was talking about…and I continued to hear the words, mentoring, inspiring, daily reading…hmmm…and I knew that more than anything my ministry was to mentor as best I could with my words…
I know that much of what I say sometimes rub folk the wrong way…that is good…
I also know that some are convinced I am talking about them…that too, is good…
Because, you know that is what this thing is about…to rub people some kind of way, to allow folk to see themselves differently…this morning I was on facebook…I read something by someone that I had told them, months ago…they wrote it as though they had come to it on their own…I smiled because I knew that when I had said it, they had acted as though I was speaking in a language they didn’t understand, but after a little bit of living, they said, Oh snap, she might be on to something…THAT IS REAL GOOD…to be a servant, a mentor or of help to anyone we must realize that we sometimes have to just put it out there in whatever form God provides it to us and that while it might not make us popular…it just might, ultimately be of benefit to someone…and that is ALL GOOD…
BE THE PEACE YOU SEEK~
angelia

BE STILL_

Sometimes we have to be still…just totally still and prayerful…I know it is hard, take it from me, being still was something that I learned to do…for years I felt that my power was in my conversation or in proving that I can take anyone on conversationally and have them do my will…

Found that to be true in many cases but it was so counterproductive, it left me feeling tired and many others feeling alienated and in some cases fearful of my words…sheesh…but I learned that if I sit still, listen for God’s guidance and to stand firm in his guidance, things work out better, now, not I say better, not easier…because sometimes when following God’s direction you must say and do very unpopular things to people you love fervently and run the risk of making them mad, or egads, not talk to you…and being quiet means that you don’t seek them out, you don’t try to make it better… you simply stay in payer and wait…

Found myself in a situation like that recently and even though I knew I was had done the right thing, it hurt like a infected tooth when the people went ghost on me…but I listened to God, and prayed and waited. And slowly but surely things righted themselves, the relations healed, the acknowledgments came and we were all able to go forth with our lives….

The same thing is true with my writing…for almost four years I was throwing books out left and right, as if though I didn’t write a book every other month I would implode, well I almost did, from trying to do too much…but one day a quiet voice said, ‘You have done good work…let it stand on its own merit, allow them to get to know your voice and the rest will come…’ Hmmph…easy said, however, my body was tired and my mind, so I slooooowed down, and I am here to tell you that the voice was once again right on, correcto…they read, they listened, they supported…hmmph…
It is so true that when God speaks, we better listen…

ADVANCE PRAISE FOR RE-RAMBLED: Food and Thought: Ramblings Special Edition:
Angelia, once again you've outdone yourself. I'm proud of you!
Re-Rambled by Angelia Menchan provides food for the soul and recipes for the body. Its filled with great advice and recipes that if followed and digested will bring about clarity and fullness in your life. ~ Shelia M Goss, national best-selling author of women's fiction and young adult books

BE THE PEACE YOU SEEK***
angelia
www.angeliamenchan.com

TO MINE OWN-SELF~

One of the harder things to do is be true to oneself, no matter what…a few weeks ago my son and I had a disagreement and he called me ‘fake’…oh my God, it was as though he had splashed hot water on my heart…hurt me to my very bones…on the one hand I knew he was lashing out, but on the other hand I had to check myself and ask where that came from…and I got it…I was the Queen of making things better…I often did things I didn’t want to do for what I thought was the greater good, I often left things unsaid to people I loved because I didn’t want to make them mad and had decided they couldn’t handle certain truths…oh my God, that by definition is ‘fake’…OW…
I have been told by so many that I am always ‘keeping it real’ and am so honest. That is also true, that is the paradox of me…I am honest to a fault and as real as rain in the spring time, HOWEVER, when it comes to those I love or feel some responsibility to and for…I have a tendency to not be as real as I ought to be or as honest as the situation calls for…
So as a result of that unexpected and painful conversation, I am growing, learning to be to my own-self be true…which means that where grown people are concerned, I will keep my mouth shut, with the exception of if someone is going to be harmed, then all bets are off…how-sen-ever, if asked, my answer will be as honest and as truthful as I can based upon what God has taught me, so don’t ask if you aren’t trying to hear that…it also means that if I am asked for something and even if I have it, if I don’t want to do it or give it, then the answer will be NO~ Now that one is going to be a bit difficult, but helloooo…I am trying to be true here…I am going to have relearn that being a wife, mother, sister, friend, mentor, et al, does not always mean I have to say yes to something …it is my God given right to ‘Just Say No’…If you want me to keep it real, then real it is…
The other most important thing is this, I am quirky, there are things that I like doing, that others around me might not, cool…if you see me curled up reading a book and having a glass of wine…feel free not to join me…DO YOUR THING…
If you like shopping or going on trips with a lot of other people, count me out…I love vacations, but kind of just want to go with my man…I love shopping, but am so eclectic that I have to do it alone…this in no way means that we cannot do things together…but let’s focus on those things that we both enjoy…TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME….
Shoot, I am really getting into this TO THINE OWNSELF BE TRUE THING, I am also loving being a GROWING Woman…it is DA BIZNESS~

BE THE PEACE YOU SEEK~
Angelia
www.angeliamenchan.com
http://acvermen.blogspot.com

WHAT'S YOUR MOTIVATION~

Asking yourself, ‘What is your motivation every time you do something is hard…’ but it will transform what you do and how you do it…there have been so many times over the years when I did something I just didn’t want to do…but felt I had to, not because anyone even asked me, but, because I was scared not to…for fear that I would lose the person or the relationship if I didn’t do it…yes, this is a confession…
I can recall so many times I made phone calls or visits or bought things and the whole time I was talking or visiting or purchasing I was holding my breath until it was over…I was not comfortable, it was not a good situation, but there I was…because the person either expected it or I ASSUMED they expected it…so much a part of who I was, was dependent on doing that thing…
I recall about three years ago, I was visiting with this lady almost monthly, it was a chore…she and I had never really had a relationship, it was actually a residual of another relationship, but I felt compelled…when I got there she was bossy, snippy and felt that because she was older than I, she could say anything to me she wanted to…and I allowed it, but when the visit ended I was worn to a frazzle and could hear her in my head for days…the final straw came when I went for a visit and took her something and she railed on and on about what she wanted and that if a person would not do what she wanted or needed, then they may as well do nothing…ouch…when I drove away that day, I didn’t know that I wouldn’t return, but I didn’t, because even though I felt compelled to do it, I also knew that I wasn’t doing it for the right reasons and if I didn’t surgically remove myself from the situation I would end up saying something I was sorry for later…and I tell you I struggled with it mightily, good girls do you know…and wearing the label of good girl is often burdensome, because you find yourself in situations, doing things that if you had thought it through you know darn well you wouldn’t be there or doing that…
Since then there have been a few other situations that I have had to remove myself from for differing reasons with the same results, my getting and understanding that no matter how much I loved a person or wanted them to be part of my life, that it should be because they wanted to and not because of something I could do for them…dag, that is painful, because the risk to that whole thing is that if you lose what you had with that person once you stop doing, you have to deal with the fact that it was never about you but about the ‘doing’…’double ouch…
So every single morning before my feet hit the floor, after I thank God for another day, I ask for guidance in making sure that all the things I do are for and with the right motivation…
BE THE PEACE YOU SEEK~
Angelia
www.angeliamenchan.com

THEY SO MAD~

There are a lot of really mad people, I mean downright angry~
I was once a very angry young woman, spent years with a chip on my shoulder, could cut someone to shreds with my tongue and a roll of my oval shaped eyes, oh yeah~
And I justified it and many justified it for me, ‘She has been through so much,’ So much is expected of her,’ Yes, yes, yes…all of that was true but angry didn’t do a thing for me, made me feel much older than I was an tired…
The first person to call me on it was my eight grade English teacher, Ms. Miller straight out told me about it…her exact words, ‘You are a smart, pretty, gifted young lady, but you got a bad attitude…’ It felt like she had poured battery acid on my heart, the truth hurts…I knew she was right, but that attitude was my protection, my armour, the thing that kept people from messing with me, invading my precious space…but, I learned a lesson that day and my focus was to try to do better…now forty years later…I am still a work in progress…but I tell you, I am rarely mad…and when I am I try to steer clear of people until I am feeling better…now don’t think this means I can’t still get folk straight, oh but I can…but mostly I choose to leave ‘em alone…keep it moving…
But there are so many who are mad and couldn’t say why if their lives depended on it…there are so many lovely, smart and talented young women in my life, but boy are they mad…sometimes it is impossible to be in the same room with them, you can literally smell the anger…I am not sure why they are that way on a case by case basis, but I have my opinions….I think way too many of them are trying to do too much and prove too much to everybody, mostly themselves….they want everything…great careers, strong men who earn more than them and are manly and sensitive at the same time, they want super smart kids who are smarter than everyone else’s kids, they desire to be spiritual and freaky, they want to be taken seriously and pampered, they want to tell folk their business, but they don’t want anyone to tell anyone else…Dag, I feel mad, writing it all down…because that is so burdensome and hard to have and even harder to hold….because truth be told we have to be willing to be flexible and to compromise…now all of you baby Bella Abzugs, I am in no way saying you have to settle or sell yourselves short…what I am saying is that life is filled with give and take and to take something you have to give something….to be something, you have to go through something…and sometimes the reason you don’t have all you want or desire is because God has decided it isn’t for you to have…so instead of being so mad all the time, be glad that God loves you, you are alive and you are all those things mentioned earlier, smart, lovely and talented and that you have so much to offer yourself and the world, but I kid you not, you will never know it if you stay MAD all the time….
LOVE YOU LOTS~
Angelia
www.angeliamenchan.com

FORWARD MARCH~

March brings spring and changes that I love, blooming flowers, kids running around outside, lovely…
But this March bought more than that for me, it made me reassess so many things, back in September I had this huge plan to do a fall change, but life and circumstances had other plans, there were occurrences that I had no control over and in the role I was cast, I had to make changes here and there. And I tell you I am pretty glad that I was able to do it, though, there were many times I wanted to screech, ‘God, why me?’ But here I am…
I have been writing and publishing books for over four years now and every single one of them has been a joy to write and joy to have people read and a huge growth process for me. I recall when I first read through Black’s Obsession, I was horrified at the number of errors…a book I had written long hand and published on a fluke…for the most part no one said anything…well a couple of people did….A woman who was part of an online group I was part of decided to blast about it because she felt I was getting too much praise from others…I understood…and let her have her say without saying anything back…she was right in so many ways…the second time was at a book signing about the same book…one woman was incensed about some of the language and even madder that the male character was so obsessed, she seemed to take it personal…but irony of irony she was the first one in line to purchase the follow up, not only that it is considered ‘the favorite’ with so many who have read all my books, go figure…then in rapid succession, I wrote Love Stories of Some People I Have Known, Cinnamon’s Universe and Brown’s Possession…I was all over the place selling books, promoting books, being acVernon Menchan, the pen name I was using at the time…Lord, was I tired…
In 2007 I wrote for the first time as me, “Is NO not Clear Enough For You? It was my first foray into Young Adult literature and it was a blessing. People of all ages loved it, one reviewer took exception to it, but still recommended it as a ‘must read’…found my young character ‘holier than thou and too grownup’…I had to smile at that, because I KNEW that young lady to be sure…not only that I wrote under my real name, Angelia Vernon Menchan…I have given away more of those books than I have sold and am glad about it…then I waited a whole year and wrote, Schae’s Story, then Ramblings and Mrs. Black…which bar none has sold better than all my books…thanks to God…in between there and then I published a couple of books that featured other authors…talk about learning some things…whew~
But now I am refocused and doing things as I am guided, in April I will publish RE_Rambled: Ramblings Special Edition: Food and Thought. I have never been more excited. Because Ramblings is who I am and what I have to offer, a ministry of sorts and I love that whatever I offer in that format is of benefit to someone…I also have support systems in place that have been necessary since the beginning but I was not ready to incorporate…Thanks God for that…So I am really loving March and where I am and where I am going…feels like newness, and it feels right for me~

BE THE PEACE YOU SEEK~
angelia

Create Your Own Economy

The economy is not good…there is no denying that, however, there are ways to create our own economy, I tell young people in my life that all the time…and some not so old.
If you have a talent, any talent that is relative to making someone else’s life work better, there is a good chance you can earn money doing it, is your house really clean and orderly, chances are you can clean and organize someone else’s home…cha ching…
Can you sew…everyone needs something made, hemmed, altered and if you charge a bit less than other places and do good work, cha ching, cha ching…
Can you cook, bake…money in the bank…
But to do these things one must be motivated and willing to do ‘less’ than one may have previously thought they were about…honey we are talking survival here, not balling or being seen, but being able to provide food, clothing and shelter for oneself and one’s family…
I see so many unemployed, not because there aren’t any jobs but because they are too proud to do what is out there, to live and eat, one must get over oneself…working as a janitor for ten dollars an hour is far superior to broke as a joke and unable to pay one’s own way…
A few have asked me would I do those jobs and my answer is abso-damn-lutely…but here is the thing, to not have to do that I made sure that I educated myself, got jobs and worked hard in order to be promoted and check this out, stayed on jobs sometimes when I wanted to ‘jet’…because a big part of staying employed or employable is sticking with it…my man and I talk about that all the time…he spent over twenty years in the Army…and trust and believe there were times when he wanted to leave, but he had a wife and kids and knew that in the long run, he would be better served…so now we know if the bottom fell out, we would be okay, that those over twenty years provided us with enough to pay for food, clothing and shelter…and that we would do what was necessary to earn enough to do the rest…
So just think about it, if you are employed, count it all joy and make the best of it and do your darn-dest to stay employed…if you aren’t employed, tap into those jobs that sustained all of us back in the day, check your pride at the door and do what it takes to keep a roof over your head, food in your mouth and a shirt on your back…and work hard at it, and you will be surprised at how far you can go from what was considered a small place…there is dignity in all work..
And while doing that hone those skills that you have…and make a bit extra…create your own economy…
BE THE PEACE YOU SEEK~
angelia

AM I MY HAIR~

Am I my hair, is my hair me…
I was born with curls, yes curls, a brown girl born with a head full of curls, and I cannot tell you how much I heard about these curls as a young black girl coming of age in the 60’s. Good hair, blah, blah, blah…then as a teenager, younger woman it was ‘What are you mixed with…’ Being sassy-mouthed I would usually say something such as, ‘Blood, sweat and tears…’ Hee, hee…
At about 14, I cut my hair, wanted an afro, and I knew that the longer my hair was the wavier it was, not so curly, so cutting it made it a curly fro…for the next, oh I don’t know, give or take a few years my hair was a couple of curly inches, I loved it like that, wash and go…every now and then I would run into those who wanted to debate whether or not I had a ‘Geri Curl’…no I didn’t, wanted to say, Geri had nothing to do with this, but chose not to, because I didn’t want to piss anyone off, folk are made sensitive about hair, I recall being in Hawaii and a woman telling me I was a curly headed liar, she thought I was secretly ‘geri-curling my hair, I was shocked that I made her so mad…very recently as a 50ish woman I was told by someone else that someone else told them that I was faking, yes faking, having good hair because it was not possible to be black and have hair like that, I kid you not this is true, as if I sat up every night, plastering curls on my head to fake out the world…ummph ummph ummph…

I know what it is, I am brown skinned, not dark, not light, just brown and people have been conditioned to think that only light-skinned black folk can have hair like mine because they are throw-back house Negros or something, obviously they have never met people from Somalia, but I digress…any who…

About a month ago, I decided that I was going to lock my hair, it was something I had wavered about for the past few years but had never done, for several years I had allowed my hair to grow past my shoulders and wore it pinned up mostly, then I cut it all off and wore it au naturel, now that it has grown several inches again, I was going to get an authentic Black hairdo…Lord help me, well I went and I paid and the beautician locked it…I went home, did everything she told me and within two days, most of my sad little locks had defiantly become curls once again, my dominant curls had overcome my recessive locks…for about two minutes I was disappointed, and I must confess it was due to the 85 dollars I had spent and not the locks, I must confess that once was my hair was locked I didn’t look like me any longer, my sons ranted and raved, thought it was the business, my husband and granddaughter looked at me as if they weren’t sure who I was, and I felt weird…so not myself…then duh, it occurred to me…God had made me a curly haired girl when my hair was short and a wavy haired girl when I my hair was longer and that since I was as Black as I could be, that made my hair authentically Black Hair…hellooooo….

I am not my hair, but my hair is part of me…

Angelia