Substitute Me - Review

Reading Substitute Me by Lori Tharps made me think. The premise of the book was Zora, a thirty year old African American woman becomes nanny to upwardly mobile Caucasian family and somehow ends up in a relationship with the husband of the family. Seems like a cut and dry babysitter and husband get it on type novel, but it is so much more.

The story is told from the points of view of Zora, Kate, the wife and finally, the husband. And what was so intriguing were the voices of each. I was at time startled by how Kate thought about African-American women, particularly her being surprised and offended that her white husband could even be remotely interested in, sexually or otherwise with a Black woman. The way Kate thought of the gap in Zora’s teeth, or her dreadlocks or her thick but and thighs. It took me back to my own experiences when white women would literally imply that because a black girl had a big butt, or a certain texture of hair that they knew their men wouldn’t be interested. I never tried to disabuse anyone of the notion, but I knew better.

What I also know is that men and women will often say they don’t like certain things because they know that is what the partner wish to hear. However, the greater issue is how one race can invalidate another’s attractiveness because it doesn’t mesh with what they find attractive. A direct quote from Kate, was , ‘Why did I work so hard exercising, if he was attracted to that. Why would he choose her when he could have this? What is up with that? Damn.

And as hard as it is to swallow, I know it to be true. Several years ago I had women in my office ask me what was my secret in getting my man. It was so insulting, because they couldn’t see that my curly hair, toffee colored skin, abundant curves were at all appealing, because I didn’t fit in a box of what was attractive to them. Whereas I can look at a woman of any race, age or national origin and see what would make them appealing. Because I don’t see through such a narrow prism. Or maybe, because as an African American I have been taught to see other beauty. It really explains why so many young girls feel so badly about their bodies and appearance.

Substitute Me is a leisurely read that is filled with information and subtle nuances that made me think, cringe and wonder.
Angelia Menchan

O' MISERY

Hadn’t blogged in a minute or two, been busy, busy, busy…however there is something that has been on my heart the past several days and it is misery. Yes, misery, you all know the old saying, misery loves company, well I am going to say that there are a few amongst us, who love being miserable. These people literally bring ants to a picnic, rain to the beach, oil to the water…

And guess what? The only thing you can do, sometimes, is pray for them and avoid them like the plague. There are people who I really dig, who I have had to cut smooth off, because I couldn’t stand seeing, feeling and hearing all that misery that surrounded them. It is too much, trying to get through this life and to have to carry others burdens, piled atop yours. It can kill the JOY in your life, if you aren’t careful.

You know them, the woman who has had a string of bad relationships and as soon as you say yours is good…she will tell you how horrible hers is and that all men are not good…and almost say you are lying...

Or the person you cannot talk about your faith around because the first thing out of their mouths is Christians are hypocrites…and venture to tell you every negative preacher story they ever heard...or commence to reminding you that in 1982, you drank liquor..

Or the older woman who has run everyone off, even her own kids, because she is so mired down in the past and old grudges that she cannot enjoy life at all and will do her level best to make sure you feel her pain…

We all have times when we are sad, everyone has gone through a situation, been dogged by a lover, didn’t get along with mama or daddy, had a bad church experience, been molested or some such atrocity…but I am here to tell you what I know, I have experienced many, many things…that learning to rejoice in what is now, rather than being mired down in what was then will change your life and it will enhance your relationships. I am telling you, that no matter how much a person loves you, they do not want to hear your sad stories all the time. Relationships are built on giving and sharing. And God knows I want to be there for those I love, but I also want to hear about your joys, your triumphs. I want to hear you say nice things about others.

We have to look outside ourselves in order to really live. And check this out, it is okay, absolutely alright to seek help if you are unhappy or need to get past some issues. Because, I tell you that misery might like company, but company ain’t always feeling misery…

Be The PEACE you Seek!
Angelia
www.angeliamenchan.com

ORDER MOTHER WIT

MOTHER WIT is a ficitionalized look at some of the current and lifelong issues that plague the mother-daughter, mother-stepdaughter relationship. The stories also speak to how fractured those relationships can be if not nurtured and how uplifting they are when cultivated and appreciated...check it out...

PLEASE AND THANK YOU!
angelia

WHAT WE ARE TEACHING THEM..

This past weekend my Granddaughter went on a road trip with her PaPa and I. It was wonderful, tiring and BLESSED...

However, as we spent time with our elders, I realized again that we have to be very careful of what we are imparting to our children. We can learn so much from those who are older than we are, but we can also pass down fear, superstitions and falsehoods if we are not careful.

As I listened, I was amazed by how we want people to be afraid of the things we are afraid of...it is as if to say,,,I have been afraid X number of years and I am still alive; that may be true, but how much have you missed out on because of your fear, how many opportunities and adventures...

Then there is the food thing, wanting to stuff children full of fat, calories and salt, saying they are just babies... and that is true, but that is how we create a culture of fat, diabetic, sluggish kids,,,sorry but food is not always love,,,sometimes it is a legacy that will have them taking insulin shots and high blood pressure medicine...

Also, if we have daughters, nieces etc, we are going to have to consistently tell them there is more to life than looks and sexuality...
And teach our boys that work and responsibility are paramount and that we will not prosper from their wrong doing,,,

And please for the love of GOD and all things sacred, teach them to tell someone if ever any one touches them or says some inappropriate,,,and elders please believe them and do something about it.

BE PEACE,,,

angelia

SHE FEELING MOTHER WITTY!

There are times when I feel like going into mother mode for the masses, because there are so many things that aren’t being taught to our children and young people.

The other day I was dealing with a situation where a young wife was running down her man all over to anyone who would listen. It wasn’t necessarily that he had done anything to her, it was more because she didn’t feel she was getting the attention she craved and frankly because she was perpetuating legacy. When we spoke she said to me, ‘But my mom, aunts, etc. were all that way…it’s no big deal. I told her, ‘honey it is a huge deal, there aren’t many men with any dignity who is going to allow you to run him down all over town, when he is doing all he can to please you. Not, only that, there is the component of you are sleeping in the bed with that man and if you trash him, you are for all intents and purposed trashing YOU.”

She looked askance at me, but I could see the light bulb going off because I was probably the first person who had said those kinds of things to her. I also, knew that legacy was a hard change…it takes getting up each and every day and consciously making a decision to do a thing and following through. So many ask me about how I managed to stay married for 32 years. There are many things, and some I won’t share…umm hmmm. But, one of the biggest at least for me is that no matter what went on behind doors in my home I didn’t take to the streets with my business. Didn’t call mama ‘nem or even sit around with my girls over wine and bash him. I prayed fervently, we argued fervently at times and worked that thing out, together.

On the flip side, I have to say to the young brothers, if you take a woman on as your wife, your boo or whichever, you really need to remember she is a woman. I don’t care how ‘strong’ she seems to be or how much she has it going on, she needs your attention. And attention doesn’t mean diamonds, big houses or money, or it shouldn’t. Many times it means listening to her, really listening, without already having your mind made up. Or doing that thing you know she loves, that might not necessarily appeal to you. If you know she likes reading books and you don’t, suck it up and take care of dinner one night, allowing her to sit in a corner and read. These may seem small and trivial but I assure you, you have my word, they go a mighty long way to being in a healthy love thang…

MOTHER WIT NOW AVAILABLE

Angelia

WALK AWAY, QUIT, SEE YA!

Had a wonderful day yesterday, celebrated 32 years married to my love…and this morning that made me start to think, think about how quickly we walk away, quit, stop speaking…and this isn’t about marriage at all but life. I rolled around all the people I know who walk away or quit something the minute it doesn’t go their way…they are so out of there, it is as if people don’t even know that sometimes you have to just be still and stay in place to have things happen…

If I had a tickle for every time someone told me they had quit a job or walked away because something hadn’t gone their way, and for no real good reason. A few years ago someone came to work for me temporarily and she was a hard worker. Thinking about hiring her permanently I asked her what happened with a previous job, she told me, “They said something I didn’t like and I cussed them out and quit. I don’t allow people to disrespect me.” I asked, “how?” She told me quite confidently that they were taking up money for something and when she didn’t give, she was asked why and she got mad and left. I understood not appreciating being asked about your giving, but to quit a job that provides for you and your child. Uhn Uhn. Of course, I didn’t hire her either, couldn’t run the risk of having something I said cause her to cuss me out and quit.

In recent times I have run into a couple of these experiences personally. Had someone ask me to write something, I didn’t feel comfortable with it and declined. Months have passed and a person who communicated me for years does not speak any longer. Wow.

Or even more trivial, in my opinion, I was talking to a person about books. The person was of the mindset that certain kinds of books shouldn’t even be written. I disagreed. I feel that we all have stories to tell and if a person tells their stories, via erotica, romance, poetry, street literature, prose literature, et al. and there are people who wish to read those stories, then they should be allowed to write and tell them. That is what democracy is all about in my mind. Well, the person from that day to this has chosen not to say a word to me, about books or anything else. Double WOW.

Because as goofy as this may sound, I am under the impression that one of the things that make us interesting is not our sameness but our differences. And our ability to cohabit and coexist while agreeing, disagreeing or agreeing to disagree. We were all created as individuals and if the only way we can deal with people is if they are some Stepfordized version of us, we might want to reevaluate that, or I am guessing we will spend scads of time, walking away, quitting or not talking to folk. Hmmm.

BE THE PEACE YOU SEEK~
angelia
WWW.ANGELIAMENCHAN.COM

A WRITE Woman

There are times when I find people staring at me, then I look and they look away, sometimes they simply tell me what they were thinking and I love it; there is a woman who sit in front of me in church sometimes, we have developed a relationship of sorts and she ‘knew’ I was a writer, however, I am not sure the concept of what that meant really resonated with her. Shoot, anyone who says they are writers are writers, right…#snicker#
Anyway, the other night she held a copy of my book in her hand, Schae’s Story and I watched her looking at it over and over, and over…Schae’s Story sells well amongst my church sisters, she resonates with ‘em for real…
So, finally I turned to another conversation, we were waiting for the service to start and when I turned back she was really looking at me, I didn’t say a word and finally she said, ‘this is really a book, book, do you really write all this…” Smiling, I replied, “Yes ma’am, that is one of ten books…” She shook her head and started reading…
That happens all the time, people often ask where do the words come from, the stories and how did I decide I could just write books, publish books, convince people to actually purchase and read the dang things…the truth is, this…it has never occurred to me that I CANNOT do a thing I really want to do…never. If I can pray it and believe, God has promised I can do it.
The stories come from living and me being a life observer. All my life I have paid attention to all that goes on around me and I record it in my brain and heart, then try to tell it in my own way. As to the writing and the publishing, that came from a desire to do it and the audacity to not allow anyone or anything stop me, and believe you me, there were many who tried to throw salt in my game…not directly but by saying things like, umm you gonna write about that, or saying, girl that is too deep, people aren’t trying to hear all that, or I know you ain’t going to talk about that…they were as subtle as a rock…but I knew that I would have to close my ears and stay in prayer and that as I grow the stories I needed to tell would present themselves…and I am proud of each and every story I have written or told, at the time they had to be told in that way, the first book had cussing, the second and third book were mad sexy, but as I wrote, I grew and as I grew my writing changed and as always God allowed his child to find her own way…and I as I stand here, less than a week away from publishing book ten, MOTHER WIT…I know and you better know there are so many other stories inside this woman dying to be told and through God’s grace and providence, they will be….
PREORDER MOTHER WITH @

LOVE, PEACE and BLESSINGS~~

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