IT IS ALL FORGIVEABLE...

I have spoken a lot about forgiveness lately,
Last week during a book discussion my friends and I spoke of it in regards to a character in my book and on Saturday, my son and I talked about it in depth, I explained to him that forgiving was biblical and about the forgiver, more than the forgivee and that the phrase forgive and forget was man made. God wishes us to forgive, man wants us to forget so he can do it to us again...we need to remember so we wont be the same fool twice.

I can recall years ago as a grown woman I had become quite friendly with my stepfather. Now mind you, this is man who had hit my mother, and hit me when I tried protecting her when I was in my teens. At the time I didn't understand why my mom forgave him and I spent years angry with her and hating him. However, after leaving home and marrying and having children, I was able not to be angry anymore. I had grown closer to God, had married a man who loved me and my life was moving in a great direction and as clear as the sun is in June, God spoke to me, asking me to forgive them both and move forward. I did, he and I became friendly, he was close to my children because I knew he was no longer the man he had been and I sort of understood mama. I say sort of because I cannot to this day understand allowing someone to hit your child. But, who knows what I would have done in that situation. Most importantly, I did not try to poison my children against anyone. The persons who were like that were dead and gone (not literally) by the time they came along. So I forgave, remembered and lived!

The reason I am saying this is because I know and love a lof of people who are walking around bitter and in a state of non-forgiveness. They can't forgive parents, ex spouses, God, the preacher, or the lady who let her dog poop in their yard and you know what, the only person they are hurting is themselves. Not forgiving harms the non-forgiver. Ofttimes we are bound up in anger and bitterness and the persons are going on with their lives. Is it easy, hell to the no, but it is so possible.

Now forgiving doesn't mean rolling with the person. If someone harms you or your loved ones, have them arrested if it warrants that and forgive them so you can live. If they hurt you, remove yourself from their space, so you can live. The bible clearly teaches us that there are folks we must simply remove ourselves from.

Holding on to past hurts and anger only diminshes the quality and potentially the length of your life, because bitterness, stress and anger manifests itself in diseases such as high blood pressure and could lead to stroke, heart attacks and or substance abuse which will take you right on out of here, while those people you couldn't forgive are going on with life...

Be BLESSED!
angelia

JUST ASK ANGELIA

I am thinking about doing a question and answer blog. I get so many questions from so many places about this, that or the other. Well, usually marriage, sex, finances, love and or writing. Thinking of naming it JUST ASK ANGELIA...so let's test drive it today and I will do my best to answer any and all questions you might have. And no I am not Cinnamon Brown...Hah!

LOVE!
angelia

JUST ABOVE MY HEAD

This morning I was thinking of my favorite books and one of my all times faves is Just Above My Head by James Baldwin. And that started me to thinking about things that were just above my head, just out of my realm of understanding, and I must say it had nothing to do with the book…anyway.

Yesterday when I got home I was drained, it was so doggone hot, the thermostat read 102 when I got in my car and it had been hot in my office all day. So as soon as I was in the door, I jumped in the shower, allowing the water to pour down on me from head to toe. I must have stood there for 10 minutes. Finally getting out I made my way to watch the beginning of Oprah’s celebration and as soon as Beyonce started singing I knew the catty remarks would start. I logged on to my social networks and sure enough there was such vitriol. People commented on everything about her, from her hair to her music, to her outfit. And I wondered again, why do people, women in particular have such disdain for other women, particularly pretty women. We don’t have to like her music, we don’t have to like her hair or how she dresses, at all. But why must we be so nasty, make such ugly remarks. And I have noticed, yes done a little research and it seems the lovelier or more successful the woman is the more ugly the remarks. Is it simple jealousy or is it something else. I really don’t get it at all. It is something I have wondered about for most of my life and have never quite figured it out. And it is really pointless, because hate all we wish, she is not going to stop being attractive, or selling millions of records or any of those things. I tell you it is just above my head.

Another thing that is above my head is folks’ desire to have us think like them, like what they like, cosign on their madness. Years ago, I had a supervisor who would always ask my opinion on this that or the other, when I agreed it was as though I made her day. When I didn’t you would think I had stolen her boyfriend or at least her puppy. So, finally I asked her. And she told me, ‘Angelia, we really respect and admire you, so we want you to agree with us. Validate what we think.’ Seriously? So, I said, ‘Please tell me that isn’t why you hired me because if so, it is time for me to go. I took this job because I am a budget professional and also have spent years studying contracting regulations and personnel law and I cannot ethically agree, just to agree.” Of course, she said, “Of course not.” But, I could tell by the way she held her head, and didn’t quite meet my eyes, that she wished that had been added to my contract. Hee! Just above my head.

Then the other day, someone walked in my office and I was listening to music, there was a hip-hop component to the music. I turned it on mute so I could address whatever they wanted to ask. However, for a few minutes, they wanted to talk about how they were so surprised that I listened to rap music. I didn’t bother to tell them that what I was listening to wasn’t rap per se. But since I wasn’t in the mood for all that, I simply stared at them. Finally, they said, “I only like easy listening, I cannot wrap my mind around anything else at my age.” Still, no words from me, just that Angelia Menchan stare. After several pregnant pauses, they couldn’t even remember what they had come for. Of course not because they were too busy trying to get in my business and somehow change my mind about my choices. I must say they should know by now they were wasting my time and their own.

I like what I like and I respect others choices to like what they like. If I am in your car and you are listening to something I don’t care for I keep my mouth closed and tune it out. If there is a performer I don’t care for but many others do, I say to each his or her own and simply don’t purchase the music or turn the channel when it comes on, I don’t start talking about them as if they are someone I KNOW, because here is the thing, We really don’t know these people. We really don’t. Of course I am clueless about any of it, so I am simply Rambling about my observations because honest to God, it is ALL ABOVE MY HEAD, and I am glad about it.

Be BLESSED~
Angelia www.angeliamenchan.com

IT'S THE WHAT, THE HOW AND THE WHO!

Last night I was in a meeting that took me back to when I was a senior in high school. Or rather, it made me think of that. One of the things that I have learned over the years is that it isn’t what you say but how you say it and often, who says it.

Last night there were a few people who continued to make points, some good, some not so good. But, their points were invalidated by how they said it, which was in a rather inarticulate way and sounded more argumentative than anything. And it also, alas was because of who they were, they were known as trouble makers, thus right thinking (ha!) people didn’t hear them.

How this took me back, was that almost every year during cheerleaders tryouts, there was usually one token black cheerleader chosen at my predominately white high school. Well, this year, there were none chosen and immediately there were cries of racism. I cringed because the two girls who had tried out were questionable as cheerleaders at best and there were other concerns. I was an intern in the counselor’s office, so of course the dean called me down to ask if there were anything I could do to stop the action. Seriously?

I told her no, and that people had the right to protest. She nodded, saying, “But, Angelia you have so much influence and so many people respect you, on both sides.” I nodded not at all sure that the rejected cheerleaders respected me or if I had any influence on them. Let’s just say we weren’t friends. Anywhoo~

She went on to explain that the school had decided that no one was going to make cheerleader who wasn’t first, qualified, and secondly didn’t represent the school well, regardless of their race. I knew from whence she spoke on the representation, but I declined. I have never been one that anyone could talk into anything.

Before I could make my way out of her office, a young man, who I was very good friends with stopped to ask me if I would join the protest on behalf of the cheerleaders because they had had a meeting and decided they needed someone who spoke well, was pretty level-headed and who both sides would listen to. Huh? I didn’t believe him but he swore, even asking me to walk with him so they could tell me themselves. I asked why. He told me, ‘Because you know what to say and how to say it and ‘THEY’ know you don’t have an agenda.

“So, let me get this straight, these girls don’t like me, they aren’t really qualified as cheerleaders, one has a horrible reputation, but they want me to come down and speak to the student body in their behalf.”

“Pretty much…”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t do that. First because I have to believe in what I am speaking for, secondly because in this rare instance, I don’t feel it was racism, and finally I have no interest in being a pawn. Sorry.”

Of course, he wasn’t happy to go back to tell them what I said, and I am sure the hue and cry was that I wasn’t down for my people, which was BS and they knew it which is why they asked me in the first place. And what I know for sure is that if you are going into battle, you must make sure you are strapped with the right arsenal because a part of being able to win is knowing what to say, how to say it and being one that people are interested in listening to.

Angelia
www.angeliamenchan.com

YOURS, MINE, OURS?

This morning I thought long and hard about this relationship we call marriage. In three months and 1 day, I will have been married to the same man for 33 years. And I wouldn’t change a thing, there have been ups and downs and rounds and rounds, but the truest truth is that the love we share has never wavered and we have always known that everything we have and work for is ours. That is what I wish to talk about this morning, Yours, Mine, OURS…

I recall back in the day, all the married people I knew had corporate finances, meaning they understood that what was brought into the home was for everyone. Usually, back then, the man went out to work, bought home the money, gave to his woman with the understanding that food, clothing and shelter would be taken care of and if she earned any money, she knew what to do with it. Understood.

When I got married I also understood that what we worked for and had was ours, be it finances, children, big decisions, to make this thing work, we had to do it collectively. In the early years we had very little and as such we prioritized what we did with it. We paid our rent/mortgage, bought food, paid necessities, saved if we could and what, if anything was left over we spent collectively. Years later we still do the same thing, all we earn goes into one pot and we pay all the people we owe, together and we then we transfer little bits into our own pots. We call it play money. The funds left that I can buy shoes, books, shoes, etc. with or my man can buy shoes, electronics, shoes etc. with. And it works beautifully. Life is hard and we damn sure don’t need to be wrestling about money.

I don’t need my man saying, “Baby, where did the money go, the mortgage is due, we facing foreclosure and I see you have a new Brahmin bag.” And I’m not interested in saying, “I know you didn’t go golfing and there is no food in the freezer, Negro please.”

But, I am afraid that is how marriages are working out these days. I talk to so many young people and the biggest issue is money, money, money. And it is not always the lack thereof, but what is done with it. The wife feels what her man earns is theirs,and hers is hers, so she spends as soon as she gets it on ‘stuff’…bills be damned, then she spends the rest of the month mad because things aren’t paid. Or, the husband feels he works too hard to turn all his money over to a woman.” Mine and yours and nothing about ours, and that my dears mean nothing works. Marriage is a unity, or rather it should be and the minute or hour or day that one feels compelled to say, that is mine, there is not unity, gaming.

And in this day of unemployment and underemployment, there is always, it seems going to be a time when someone is going to earn more, or earn it all and if it is thought of as individual assets, the relationship is in trouble. So, what is the solution…Glad you asked.

Before we say I do, jump the broom, do the electric slide, we must have conversations about how things will be paid. There must be communication and no decisions made without discussion. If we are unwilling to do this we aren’t ready to be married. Point blank. And once married we must prioritize our finances. Bills must be paid, food bought before anyone gets new shoes, clothes or stuff, even the kids. Here is the thing, kids need love, food, shelter. Not designer clothes and toys. And if you don’t have money to buy food or pay rent, you damned sure don’t have money for Nikes. Harsh, no it isn’t, it is reality. When my kids were young, they got clothes in the spring, for school and at Christmas, period. Toys were for birthdays and Christmas. Yet, they were clean, tidy and pressed and they knew they were coming home to all they needed.

I know there are those who don’t agree with me and I am cool with that because we have been raised to believe that it is all me, me, me. Well I tell you what sweeties if you feel that way, you will have lots of time to sing that song because to be married, the word OURS has to come into play at some point.

LOVE~
Angelia
www.angeliamenchan.com