Is She Liberated?

I came of age in the early seventies, when people were burning their bras, free love meant have sex with anyone who caught your fancy and white women screamed about being feminists and liberated…there were a few sisters, but mostly white women…anyway…I mostly wore my bra, had enough sense to know that nothing was free and I definitely wasn’t going to indiscriminately give away my goodies and have a bunch of brothers talking up under my clothes…well, no…and as to being liberated and all, all the black women I knew were liberated…my grandfather died in 1935, right before social security was a law and my grandma still had seven kids at home ranging in age from 14 to 2 and she fed, clothed and sheltered them all by herself and they turned out pretty good…
And my mama and aunts were all hard working, and in some cases hard partying divas, who raised their kids, handled their business and took no prisoners…they didn’t have time to burn any bras or go on any marches…they had jobs to do, children to raise and lives to live…with no expectations from anyone from themselves…and they were all smart enough to know that they liked, loved enjoyed men, but when no man was there, they did what they had to do…LIBERATED…
By the mid-eighties, I was married with two boys and many in my life didn’t consider me to be liberated enough, I didn’t always have a full-time paying job at that time…though I always worked, part-time, attended college, raised me kids, held the fort down at home while my soldier husband was deployed hither and yon…I didn’t give a care what they were saying, they didn’t know me or my business…
Since then I have worked and worked hard, forged many careers and gotten a bit more education hither and yon…and I will tell anyone who asks, I love being married, I love my man, am all about family…and I have the option, surely I do of working less hard or not at all but you know what…in my opinion those who could should work…
And as to feminism, I consider myself to be at the front of that line, because I am all about the empowerment of young sisters, telling them to respect themselves and to not allow anyone to bulldoze them into to doing things they don’t want to do. Saying no to sexual activity is just as powerful as sleeping with any and everybody, moreso in fact…because it means you are owning yourself and your body…it is precious…
And to this day I will not apologize to those women who think that being feminist is loud or a way of looking, I speak quietly, I love being feminine, having my man rub my feet or open a door for me is a wonderful thing…
I guess I am trying to say that being liberated or any other such label has to be defined by the woman who is living within her own skin and knows what is best for her and those she loves…and that no one, not even other women get to tell her how to be…LIBERATED…
BE PEACE~
angelia
www.angeliamenchan.com

I dont have A job

Yes that is correct, I dont have A job, I have a career, two in fact...
Career one is one that these days I spend upwards of 50 hours a week on, I am a budget analyst and this time of year is rife with work for me, in addition to that my agency is very involved in the oil spill and there are components of what I do that are relevant to that... and call me weird but I strongly believe in earning every dime I get...I work for a good place, the respect me, compensate me well, seems the least I can do...

Career two is as a writer, author, publisher, for almost four years I diddled around with it, wrote a lot of books, made more money than I put out, but kind of allowed it to take care of itself...gave away books to folk, who now dont buy books because they feel I should always give them #sighing# but that is cool because I stopped and started treating my work as a viable career and doing those things that make book sell, get people to talk about it and surround myself with those who sometimes think of my best interests even when I don't...

As such I have had to prioritize in this order...
God,
My man and marriage,
My family and my personal well-being,
The aforementioned careers...
As such I dont have much free time,
And when I do, I want to spend it in the corner of my sofa, reading a good book,
With my man next to me,
Or with my Princessa, giggling and dancing,
Or chatting every now and again with my children,
My sister,
Others as I can...
Also I want my time to be as drama free as possible,
As the oil spill will attest,
There are some things I cannot plan for but,
Things like gossips,
Mean people,
Hatefulness and ugliness,
Are as avoidable as it can be,
And I will spend precious little of my time with that,
Not going to do,
God does not bless that mess,
And God has been too good to me and brought me to far,
To lose what I have gained in such a foolish way...
Got too much to do and someday not enough time...

BE PEACE~
sngelia

NAME CALLING~

We all know there are names that put many women up in arms…the B word and the word that should start with W but in today’s term starts with H…many women, not all take exception to those words and will not allow themselves to be called that..uh uh…
And of course the N word is totally inflammatory, though many have embraced it and feel it is a tool of empowerment, if the wrong person utters it, chances are they will end up in intensive care…
Then there are the ones we love, baby, sweetie, honey…you know…
However those are not the words I plan to embrace today, these words are more subtle but used in the wrong context, just as insulting…
This weekend I was at the Jacksonville African-American Arts Festival and there were these senior citizen dancers…all AA, after it was done a much younger, Caucasian man made the statement, ‘Those girls…yada yada…I knew that while those women loved being youthful and had a lot of fun, they would take exception to being called ‘girls’ by a white man thirty years their junior, though they probably said, ‘Girl…to each other more times than they could count…’ It felt too intimate to my ears and a tad condescending…I made a point of saying, ‘All those WOMEN are over seventy…’
Not a day passed and I was sitting in church and someone flipped through Re-Rambled and noted that I used Havarti cheese in one of my recipes…she made a point of saying, ‘Umm, I don’t mean you but my friend who is so BOUGIE…always talks about using special cheeses…” I smiled, saying…”there are those who have probably named me bougie and worse’…she quickly said, ‘I didn’t mean you…’ But my thing is this, why even part your lips to say a thing to a person if you aren’t trying to name call…”
Here is the deal, you can think anything about me or anyone else that you feel, but if you bring it to me, I am going to call you on it…if you aren’t familiar with a person don’t act familiar and if you have issue with any of my ways then say it straight and let’s have a conversation…
Check this out, if starting to work at 13 and getting myself educated and working a job, while having my own businesses, so that I can have the things that I want make me, Bougie, or any other thing, then so be…call me all the names you want to…I can live with it…

Be PEACE~
Angelia
http://angeliamenchan.com

She's a Soldier~

This morning I was reading a follow-up response to a blog Author Monica Jackson wrote about me, her response is as follows:
• “Angelia, I’ve followed you quietly for a long while now, and you’re as consistent as gold. I think you have to have gone through a little something to be able to lay it out real, the way you do.”
And all I can say is ‘Baby, you don’t know the half of it…’
By age eighteen, there isn’t much I hadn’t seen or been through…but you know what, even as young as I was, I always refused to be a victim of my circumstances…and I had some folk in my life who unequivocally loved me and was about my best interests…and do not doubt this for a minute, I was born an Amazon in a rain-forest full of Amazons…and was willing to learn from some of the mess going on around me without feeling I had to taste of the fruit…you know…if I see a drug addict, I don’t then need to try drugs to see how that will work for me…duh…if I see a woman with more children than she can possibly feed, born of men who told her they loved her, but rolled out…I could wrap my young mind around that without having to do that damn thing…come on…
For the very reasons mentioned above is why I chose to be the freelance mentor that I am, the reason I say freelance is because I am a free-spirit and I cannot be bogged down by rules and regulations when talking to young people…
I can remember when I was a counselor at Job Corps, I often wrote outside the lines and colored all over the page because those kids needed the real me…the one who had been through some things and come out on the other side and was willing to bring it as it was…when they first met me they would try to intimidate me, according to them I looked pampered and soft…ha ha ha, I had to tell them, I am, but you know what, do not let the smoothness fool you…I know how to carry myself but my back’s been to the wall a time or six and I know how to fight, I might not always win, but my opponents are sure to remember me…
So when I started writing and folk came after me for this reason or that, at first it was mostly telling me not to self-publish or how to tell my stories…I listened and took every bit of advice offered but they couldn’t move me or make me quit because I am and was a soldier and soldiers stay in the battle until the war is over…hooah…
That is why now when people are starting to ‘discover’ me, I smile and behave a graciously as I know how…no need to tell them I have been in the trenches a mighty long time…because any time is a good time, for real…

BE PEACE~
Angelia
www.angeliamenchan.com

WHAT THEY SEE...

Appearances matter, I know you are saying, well I knew she was superficial…well that is not true…however, how you look and what you present matters because that is all people know at first and they base a great deal on how you appear, what they see…is it fair? Probably not, but what does fair have to do with anything…really…

Scenario: Young man goes on job interview, hair unkempt by choice, pants hanging off his butt, it is the style after all…is so qualified as to be a shoe-in, does not get the job…unfair, perhaps, but the general idea by that particular employer is that if he didn’t care enough to comb his hair, or pull up his pants, he possibly will not care enough to do a good job…

Scenario: Young woman already has a job, however a promotion is coming and it is in a position where she is publicly marketed. Extremely qualified, very personable, however, her hair is several colors, her face and clothes look as though she just tumbled out of bed without caring how she looks or about the company she represents…not promoted, never sure why…

These are two simple examples that I have seen get in the way of where a person is trying to go…and many young will say and have said to me, that to cut their hair, et al. is becoming a sell-out…and to that I say, sellout what, you are unemployed, or underemployed and unable to sustain yourself and you are holding on to a look…you have nothing to sell…out, come on already…

Or you feel that as long as you do a good job it shouldn’t matter if your hygiene is a bit compromised, shoot, it shouldn’t be about that…well children, wake up and smell the afro-sheen and the Jergen’s lotion…it is about that and employers are just people and people, especially men, who still employ most people are visual. Unfair again, but it is true and the place of employment is not about you…it is about the product the employer is offering and how they want it presented to the world and you my dear are part and parcel of the presentation…

I am telling you as someone who has hired and recommended for hire, if two candidates are close in qualifications, I am going with the one who cared enough to place his or her best foot or face forward…also, if the unkempt one is way more qualified, I will probably go back to the drawing board and start again…

When you get up in the morning and are preparing to go out and sell yourself to get what you need, pull it together, showered, face washed, hair combed, clothes presentable and most importantly attitude straight…and if you are already in there, don’t get lazy…because you never know where you can go or where you can be kept from going, based on ‘What They See…”

BE THE PEACE YOU SEEK…
Angelia
www.angeliamenchan.com

WOMAN_ Thou Art Tired!

It seems that every woman I know or talk to is tired…yes tired…tired of someone, something or like me just flat out tired, physically and I have no one to blame but me and my desire to be all things to all people…gasp…there I said…and I will say that I am better than I was…

I am over fifty, have been married over thirty years, been working give or take for thirty five years, my youngest child is almost twenty-five and my eldest is going on thirty-one…I have a very good job, and earn a bit of money from my books, with the potential to earn more, if only I weren’t so tired…
I am sure by now you want to know why I am tired…
Well there are a plethora of reasons….I get up weekdays at 4:30 in order to be to work by 6, so that I can have Fridays off…to write and do book stuff…however, I also feel that all meals are my responsibility and to make sure the house is ummm, relatively clean is on me…no one has told me to be this way…my man is an amazing cook, but why should he…food is done when he walks in the door…he also knows how to clean up, but ummm why should he, see above…also, I feel I should be on every set…someone needs something done, a ride somewhere…yada yada yada…call me I am yours…tired…

And when I am not doing those things, I am thinking, planning or doing something to make something else happen…tired…and the funny thing is I am better than I was, but I need to get better…

Here are my real priorities, Love and serve God, love my man, work for the money I am paid, do the thing that feed my soul, (writing and promoting my work, supporting other authors) do as much as I can for others without it being to my own detriment…cook if I feel like it, pay someone to do some of this cleaning…sit for as long as I want to and need to…sleep eight hours…and say no when I really, really, really don’t want to do something and keep my mouth shut when no one even asks me to do something…sounds excellent, Pray for me because I am bound to slip up…

BE THE PEACE YOU SEEK~
RE-RAMBLED: FOOD and Thought
www.angeliamenchan.com

HOW THEY TREAT YOU~

We are what we allow…I know you are saying come again…well you know I plan to…we are what we allow…allow someone to treat you a kind of way and that is who and what you become…I encounter so many people, especially women, who buy into what their boyfriends, husbands, children, even parents say…and then they become that thing…

“You are fat and ugly, and no one will ever want you but me”…the man you love telling, you believing…might not be true, usually isn’t but buying into you have thus become…fat, ugly…
Don’t allow that, the first time someone says that to you, you have the unequivocal right to say, ‘No I am not, and don’t say that to me again…otherwise you and I will not be able to coexist peacefully…’ and then if it continues, move on…hard yes, necessary YES…

“If you don’t marry who I say or do it the way I did it, you are no longer my daughter, my son…” Ouch to heck…very painful…however as an adult you have the right to say…
“Mom, dad, I love you, God knows I do, however as an adult I will have to marry this person or have this career or raise my child this way because this is how God is directing me…” this of course doesn’t mean marry the first drug dealer or serial killer you meet, this is just common sense, grown up owning your own business…because you have my word that anyone who sends negative messages to an adult is trying in some way to control you…

Significant others do it because they are fearful that they may not be deserving of you and thus need to control and demean you…

Parents do it because they think they know best, when in some cases they have messed up their own lives, and what we as parents have to learn and accept is that our kids have as much right to mess up and learn from their mistakes as we did…

Many have asked me over the years how I learned to own myself and I tell them honestly, it was by learning that people who have my best interests at heart may advise me, but they don’t demean me, they may give their opinions, but they don’t tell me what to do, they may disagree with me but they don’t stop talking to me because we don’t agree, and they don’t say they love me and treat me as if they don’t…life is too damn short for that…so to be who God wants us to be we must, we have to be who HE determines us to be, not them…just RAMBLING…

BE PEACE….
Angelia
www.angeliamenchan.com

THE SUPPORTED~

Something we all need are support systems…those people we know are going to be there, no matter what occurs…those do or die people…from around age thirteen, I became the support system for a gang of people…some of which should have been mine, but that is another story for another day,,,
Part of who I am and what makes me the me I am is doing all I can to support others, be it my man, my sons, other family members, my friends…however, there are times when the supporters need support…and listen up, you have to listen really carefully….because supporter suck…at asking for support…they suck bad at it…because once a reputation is born…well you know…

I was talking to my man this morning, telling him I was a bit weary and he said…’I know…’ so I asked him, ‘Do you really…’ I could see him thinking…”what does this woman want me to say…” so shoot, I told him…
I told him that sometimes it is hard being a wife, mother, grandmother, budget analyst, deaconess, mentor, writer, publisher, bottle-washer, etc. I know he was thinking, “But, baby, no one tells you to do all those things…’ and he is absolutely right, but they sure do EXPECT it…and I own that too…about two years ago my team of five at work had dwindled to two…and most of the slack I was picking up…worked like a machine until one day I walked into my supervisors office and imploded, or maybe exploded…he was stunned and his exact words were…”Didn’t know you were stressed…you seemed to handle it so well…” At that moment I was mad at my mama, my aunts and my godmother, all those women who had taught me to work so hard and never let them see me sweat…because I realized in that moment that I had taken on too much and all I needed to do was say something….whew…from then on I was better, but I confess, I am still not there...a couple weeks ago one of my mentees got a new job and she sent me a message asking if she could ride in with me…my first response was sure…but upon thinking about it and weighing it I knew I should have said no…because it would mean leaving home at 5 am instead of 5:30 and on days when I wanted to work from home, having to get up anyway…so after much prayer…I told her I couldn’t do it…felt as though I had lost ten pounds…felt a bit guilty, but so much more powerful…baby steps…
There are a couple other things I need to scrape off my plate…but ii need to pray about it…and follow the guidance I am given…but in the mean time, beloved, if you see an aging diva struggling, feel free to offer some assistance…I assure that I will graciously accept….

Now go and purchase your copy of RE-RAMBLED: Food and Thought @ amazon.com or bn.com
angelia

BELIEVE THAT~

One of the things that often stand in the way of a person’s success at anything is believing…believing in God and believing in self…so many of us say, I believe in God, but the minute that God does not move in the time we have allotted, we go out and try to make things work on our own…been there and done that…and I understand, because we aren’t wired or conditioned to wait…we have been cultured to believe that we can ‘make it happen’…when true believers know, we have to allow it to happen…

As to self-belief…I have to thank God for giving me the ability to believe in the things he has blessed me with…I always knew I could do more than my circumstances…and blessedly HE continued to place those in my life who believed in me as well…because I assure you, if I had listened to some of the messages imparted or followed some of the examples I saw…ummph ummph ummph…anyway…
For years I believed that with prayer and hard work I could do well….I can recall taking what some would consider little jobs over the years…I would get in there and work my proverbial butt off and get somewhere else…promoted…to do more…

Four years ago when I entered this writing game…there were many who were convinced I was a one book wonder…and in many ways I should have, could have and would have…been...because that first book was a narrative, editing disaster…ironically people loved it…

I recall one day I was in one of the many online groups I was in at the time…and another writer took veiled shots at me…many,many…she didn’t have the guts to call me out, and my response is always unless you bring it to me…you are just blowing smoke…a few people responded, but most didn’t because they knew what was up, I was getting accolades from people and she didn’t like it so chose to be mean…but you know what I thank her…because she made me work harder, tighten up my game, I knew I could write, that I had a product that would be purchased and I also knew that, the little book I had written as a joke was more than a notion…four years later that same writer applauds my work…never knowing that I knew…because the one thing she and no one else has even been able to do is take away my belief that what God has for me, no one can take way and they certainly cannot take away the belief in myself and my abilities…BE PEACE~

Angelia
www.angeliamenchan.com

POST~ Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother’s ‘Day and for me it was tough per usual…I am an Amazon to be sure, but I am a woman…I remember the years my husband was in the Army, Mother’s Day was a celebration of me as the mother of my sons…we always sent gifts, cards, flowers, etc. to our mama’s but the day was mine…
When we first moved back to Florida, the first Mother’s Day was a huge adjustment for me…we went to Ocala…my mama was still alive and my mother-in-law and all my aunts were there and God knows it was wonderful to celebrate them, I no longer felt like a mama myself, but a child…I was slightly ashamed of that but I admit that I missed the special day where my son gave me gifts and did special things and my man made special dinners…but I adjusted, mostly…

Mother’s Day of 2003 was profoundly difficult my mama had died in January and I was immobile on that day, but for the greater good I made my way home to celebrate my Mother-in-law and my aunts…now seven years later it is mostly routine, however, I will not lie and say I don’t still miss those years gone by, I miss my mama more…I am grateful for a loving mother in law and my aunt Alice…the only one of my aunts left…but they aren’t my mama…no one is…what we had is untouchable…and nowadays I usually don’t see my sons either…because I am not home to see them, though yesterday when I returned home I did see them briefly and realized how much I missed being the ‘Mama’…

Actually, yesterday I struggled with a plethora of things…missing my mama, my children, my granddaughter and feeling alone in a room full of people…I know how blessed I am…and how loved, but I also know that we cannot replace one thing with another, no matter how hard we try…so my goal at those times is to pray my way through…also to say to people to allow me to be human and in pain…saying how much you care, or that it’s just life…are all things I already know…but there are times when I need to feel my own pain and go through my own suffering in my own way, just as God allows …
Angelia…

I DO WHAT I DO~

Writers cannot be soft…for real…there are days and times when the only person who believes in what you are doing is you…and guess what; that needs to be enough…because the one thing is that holds true always is that your dreams are for you to accomplish, through GOD’S Grace to be sure, but yours alone, mostly…

When I started writing a few years ago…I knew this, strictly from a common-sense stance, but there was something in me that really wanted and needed others to cosign on it and tell me what I was doing was awesome…and there were a few…my youngest son was immediately one of my biggest fans…my husband was also in full support, though
I have to say right here, right now that he was a bit leery of the subject matter at first, was concerned with what people would think about me writing about people who cheat, lesbians and the like…I had to kindly gently tell him, ‘Sweetie, this is not about you, but about me and my work…” Ironically, later, at the times when I was ready to quit or trying to hide my first work for whatever reason, he was my biggest cheerleader…because he had come to understand that, writing was part and parcel of what made me, Me…and he had signed up for the whole woman…

On other fronts, there were family members who for reasons only known to them were not supportive…still aren’t and I really don’t care at this point, because what I know for sure is that if I allow people to control what I say and how I say it, nothing will ever get said…as I told someone I love profoundly, only God can still my voice and change what I say…and in many ways he has…I still write about complex people with myriad issues…but much of the cussing and the teeny-weeny bit of sex I wrote about in a couple of books, have mostly faded to black, because what I had to discover for myself is that I can write and tell stories without all that…to be sure…and I also know that while I want those I love to love me, I surely don’t need their approval on how I feed my soul and earn my money…what I tell them, ‘Is get your own thing and do that, while I do my thing and we will allow our solo pursuits to be solo and our together stuff to be together…”

Just this morning, I checked my website and got a message that reinforced for me why I do what I do…and that while it might not be for everyone…the fact that there are some who want it, and even if there weren’t, I need to do it…

Message:

I just finished reviewing a copy of Mrs. Black? for OOSA online-book club. I was so impressed with Mrs. Black? I am going to read all of your other work as well. Congrats on a job well done. Anne Draper….

BE THE PEACE YOU SEEK…
Angelia
www.angeliamenchan.com

SOME DAYS

I have had the most interesting few days…most interesting…first thing Saturday morning I woke up in a wonderful mood, only to log onto my computer and discover that someone had fraudulently used one of my accounts, to the lovely tune of 1250…though I ultimately knew I would be able to resolve it, it pizzed me off…the arrogance of people who will literally steal someone else’s money without compunction…with no thought whatever to whether it would affect me negatively or throw my financial house in disarray. Thank be to God it didn’t but it could have and there was a time in would have…dang…

By Sunday I was better…church was awesome...there were a couple of occurrences though that led me to know that all the years I was a loner were good years…basically, I spoke to people, was a kind to them as I knew how to be, but cut them a wide berth, didn’t get caught up in conversations or shenanigans that weren’t productive…I will confess here in front of God and everyone that I fell a bit off the wagon…started cosigning mess, sometime by simply listening that I knew I wasn’t down for or with…but thanks to God again, HE yanked my chain got me straight, sent a couple of situations my way that stung like rock salt in open wounds…ow, ow, ow…

Monday, I woke up with my figurative butt on my shoulder…had a lot on my mind…thinking about my kids, some friends, work, still dealing with the bank…damn…yeah I was cussing…and I checked my book log of books I had sent out for review and got further yucked… check this out, when I write books there are review teams that I automatically send my books to…always have and there are also independent reviewers who I know are going to review…I don’t trip much about the process, because blessed be, I know there are people who are going to purchase my books, reviews be damned and for that I am grateful…but what got me is that some of these people actually reached out and offered to review for me…I happily sent them however many books they requested and months, literal months had passed. All they needed to do was say something to the tune of ‘Angelia, I really don’t like your writing, or Angelia I don’t really have time to review your work, or Angelia I really wanted a copy of your book and didn’t have any money…yada, yada, yada…it would have been all to the good…just say something…but I got past that…

Later in the day I was starting to feel ‘me-ish’ again but had my annual doctor’s appointment, it was a new doctor, I was feeling chunky, had been eating way too many cruncher’s potato chips and bluebell ice cream…double damn…but off I went…when I got there my heart soared, my doctor was a young, female Black doctor…alright now…Dr. Kedra Williams was on top of her game…okay, okay, okay....then off the pharmacy, go there and two young sisters were the pharm techs manning, ummm wo-manning the window and the PharmacistD was another young sister…well double alright…I felt proud…then….
I drove home thinking, okay where are the young brothers…met a Dr. some nurses, medical assistants, pharmacy technicians and a PharmD…all sisters, what is up with that…and who will these ladies, date…marry…have children with? Shoot, I didn’t even want to feel all that…but I did…triple damn…talked to my man about it, he didn’t have any answers either…we prayed fervently…all we had to offer really…

By bed time I was feeling better…fortunately my butt is too heavy to be carrying around all the time…but sometimes I am just flesh and blood and feel as testy as the next woman…what I thank God for though is how resilient he has made me…there has been so many things that could have knocked me out the game but I refuse, just get up each day, thank God for my life, spruce up, paint my lips red and go out and do what needs to be done…
BE PEACE,
Angelia
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