Believability...

It's hard to BELIEVE what people find believable or unbelievable,
Hard because it seems that if it's bad, negative or ugly,
People may shake their heads but they rarely say, 'Unbelievable'...
But if it's positive, good or beautiful, one of the first words that fly from lips, is 'Unbelievable'...
I have had that occur with me, talking to someone about something awesome going on in my life,
and, "Unbelievable" is the response,
But I have been in conversations where the person was going on about,
A bad situation and the crowd is embracing it, co-signing, believing it...
The word unbelievable has come up a time or two in book discussions I have had about my work,
Particularly about 'Cinnamon's Universe'...
People really struggle with the idea that a man could look the other way,
Knowing his wife is embroiled with another man,
Everything else is believable and certainly if the book had been entitled 'Brown or Black's Universe,
It would have been more believable...
When writing the book, my goal was to make the characters believable,
Black had to be a man who any woman would risk everything for,
Cinnamon had to be a woman so complex, yet loving that men would want her and make concessions,
Brown had to be bad enough for readers to understand how he could have his woman step out, but good enough for readers to believe that even with Cinnamon having Black, she would be unable to 'toss-up' Brown...
Not only that, the world is a complicated place with all kinds of relationships going on that we are not made privy to,
And it seems my job as a writer is to allow readers, people, to see that every variation of a relationship,
Of living is possible and believable...
I discovered this on my journeys around the globe,
Mostly, only Americans struggle with the concept of 'Affairs of the Heart',
Honest ones anyway,
If I had written these characters in many European countries,
The word unbelievable would never have been used...
So I am left to assume that what we find believable is what has occurred in our lives,
Or the lives of people we know,
And if we have never loved or been loved unconditionally,
Then it would be real hard to believe...

Love and Blessings,
angelia

Convincing Whom..

One of my blogs convinced me to blog again...today...
I had a respondent on one of my recent blogs say, they had wondered who I was trying to convince,
When I rambled and they had concluded, I was trying to convince me...
I am not sure if convince is the proper word,
But my blogs are surely therapeutic for me,
I will go through something,
See something,
Feel something,
Hear something,
And in order to have it make sense to me, I will blog about it,
I always did, it was just called journaling at that time...giggling...
So I am not sure if I am convincing myself,
But every single time I blog about something,
I am certainly reminding myself,
Trying to enlighten myself,
Keep myself straight,
And if in any way someone gets something from it,
To Quote Ice Cube, "It was a good day"

Love and Blessings,
angelia

Enslaved...

I hear so many people say slavery is over,
Is it? And what I am talking about has nothing to do with Lincoln,
If you get your paycheck on Friday and most of it is gone by Monday on stuff like designer clothes,
Fancy restaurants and keeping up with what better paid friends have,
When necessary things are going unpaid,
You are a slave...
If you are living with your mama,
Allowing her to take care of your basic needs,
While you are underemployed and full-grown...
And not paying your child support,
You are a slave...
If you are lying beneath a man,
Who you don't love and who doesn't love you,
Because you are afraid to be alone,
Slavery....
If you are unable to go to the store for a loaf of bread,
Without being consumed with your appearance,
Well you get me...
And the most frightening thing about all of this,
Is that these messages are passed on to the children,
Which is why slavery never really ends,
If we teach our children that designer clothes,
Are more important than education,
Or allow our sons to live with us,
While driving overpriced cars and not paying rent,
Or sending messages to our daughters that if he ain't a baller,
Then don't let him become your caller,
We are not just slaves...
We are slave masters....
We better FREE....OURSELVES...
Lincoln is dead, and legislation can't help us with this one...

blessings,
angelia

So Nice...

It feels so nice to feel comfortable in your relationships...
Man to woman,
Woman to woman,
Elder to younger,
Friend to Friend,
All of those,
There is nothing more uncomfortable than always trying to work to make something work...
I know, no pain no gain...
Sometimes yes, mostly no...
As we age we discover what we love, like and hopefully what we can do without...
And as hard as it is to admit,
There are relationships we would be better off without,
And they without us,
I spent so many years in politically correct environments,
That one day I woke up in a politically correct relationships,
So tiring,
Spending so much time saying the right thing,
Keeping your face neutral, when your eyes wanted to bug,
And your mouth was dying to fly open,
Something changed for me when my mom died,
I realized that relationships should feed your soul,
And that you should feed your relationships,
I needed to be around people who laughed,
Giggled,
Messed up,
Straightened up,
And moved on, without missing a beat,
Who I could do those same things with,
So I had to go into my relationship closets,
And recycle some things, much like those clothes I was hanging onto,
What has been so amazing and heartwarming is that like my clothes closets,
My relationship closets never feel empty,
Just as I have been able to purchase new clothes,
The fulfilling relationships have continued to replace those that weren't working,
That were just hanging there...
It feels so good to laugh with, cry with, argue with, agree to disagree with those who,
I get and who get me,
Not always having to worry about stepping on oversensitive toes,
Or having to read between lines and figuring out what was meant by that,
Now I have so many places I can go when I need a hug, a kiss, a slap,
And those people know they can come to me for the same things,
Particularly beautiful is we can all sleep at night without tossing and turning about did we,
Say or do the right thing,
Because we know that even if we didn't, it will be okay,
Because tomorrow is another day,
Filled with lovely relationships...

Love and Blessings,
angelia

Cinnamon, Brown and Black Speaks!

I decided I was going to keep quiet about the trilogy,
I was moving on to a different place.
Well Cinnamon, Brown and Black had different opinions.
Everywhere I go, people want to talk about them.
Read about them,
Know about them...
It's as if they are saying,
"No Lady, you don't get to unleash us on the world, then when YOU decide to do something else, you just sit us on the shelf. We will be read, we will be talked about, we will let people know you created us..."
So, I say...
Okay then, if the three of you think you are big enough, bad enough, and loud enough, then do your thing...
Black says, 'Woman you know I am the baddest brother on the planet,
Brown nods, 'After me brother, after me...
Cinnamon doesn't have to say a word, because she knows, who rules the Universe...
Black's Obsession - Book One
Cinnamon's Universe - Book Two
Brown's Possession...A Family's Progression - Book Three...
Black's Trilogy....
'Fictonalized Truths'....books exploring the possibilities...

http://www.acvernonmenchan.com/

Love and Blessings,
angelia

Appreciation...

I appreciate so many things,
I thank God for making me, this quirky, sometimes oblivious (for that I am most thankful),
Person I am...
I appreciate the family I was born into,
The Man I married,
And all who have come through my life,
There have been a few times in the past when I actually questioned the blessings,
Asking 'Why Me'...when I knew there were so many others who could have been touched as I have been...
Not long ago a friend (Emma) said to me, 'Angi, God blesses whom he chooses and my sister he has chosen you...' that calmed me right down on one of those days when I was looking at myself,
Naked, cross-eyed and upside down...
There have been so many things and so many situations that if people only knew,
They would wonder how did she come through,
On the right side, the bright side...
I know it is through that Grace and that being chosen for whatever reason...
I get tickled often, particularly these days when people say, 'You can't even know...'
Please believe I do know...so well...
What I knew more than anything though is that I am a survivor...
And all those crazy things that happened,
Or that I was taken through,
Allowed me to stand and reap as I am doing today,
Allowing no bitterness, resentment or malice to reside in my mind or my heart,
I learned a long time ago, when it is done to wipe the slate clean, because as I have been
FORGIVEN,
I must forgive,
Refusing to relive,
And for that I have mad APPRECIATION,
For Living,
Loving,
Sowing,
Reaping,
With Full Understanding that the best is yet to come...

Love and Blessings,
angelia

Missin' 'Em

I am really missing my mama and my youngest son today...they are so much alike and one thing I know for sure is they love them some Angel and Mama Deep...
So many cool things are happening with this writing thing, I have a really big signing coming up in two weeks and some other things are cooking...and I could really see my mama there saying,
"that's my baby" or my baby saying, 'my mama is the female me...
My mom has been gone almost five years, she departed this earth on January 24 ,2003 almost five years after the doctor's told her breast cancer would take her...but she just wasnt ready in 1998...I was living in Oklahoma...
When I moved back to the FL in 1999...we were closer than close...I got to see her through another mastectomy in 2000, many bouts with chemo, radiation and the new miracle drug, but that didnt matter a bit...
what i really got to do is know my mama, we talked on the phone every day at 11:30 my lunch time for years, and when we didnt it meant she was here or I was there and then we would either sit on her porch or in my living room and talk about everything...whenever she talked about me to people she never said my name, just 'my daughter', damn did that woman love her angel...I miss you Mama Lee...
Many times when we were wherever we were my son was also there, that boy loved his mama, to this day his friends always tell me, 'mama deep, i never talked to a boy who revered his mama like young deep did you', they were right about it...
I can remember those days when he was a preteen and his dad would be on a trip and we would spend hours eating chicken wings and pancakes or watching six movies in a row while the snow fell, or those days we would go to purchase a book and a cd for him and two books for me and I would read his goosebumps and he would read my alice walker...or those times when he would sit endless hours with me in a hospital room with mama, saying nothing but whenever I looked up his eyes were on me, making sure i was good...
mama is in heaven and young deep is out getting mad educating, preparing to blaze trails....
and i am happy for them both because they are in wonderful places....
But damn, I miss them...

Love and blessings,
angelia

With Grace....

Not long ago, I was talking to a friend about aging, she is about six years younger than I am...
She asked why wasn't I twisted about aging...
I asked was I supposed to be...she looked at me like, 'Of course...'
Well, I am not...
It is a given that if you are born and you keep livin'...
Aging is a part of the deal...
What I have tried to do is age as gracefully as possible,
That starts with an open heart, mind and spirit...
Which is probably nine tenths of the law...
Add to that healthy food, loads of sleep, moderate excercise...
Moisturizer...
Giggles and laughter and regulars O's...yes you heard it here...
Aging gracefully is a shoe-in...
Another big reason I don't trip is because I never stop growing,
I feel that growing spiritually, mentally and emotionally is a from the cradle to the grave endeavor...
And deciding at some point, not to sweat the small stuff, and realizing that mostly it is all small stuff...
Also, the women I always admired most were the elders...
As I have mentioned I come from a long line of got it going on women,
Who loved themselves and their children, passing that 'own and love yourself' message down to us'...
To this day I love to look at a got it going on elder sister and smile,
Last Sunday I was standing at the beginning of church,
I turned to shake hands and embrace the woman behind me,
That diva was elegance personified, camel colored suit with hat cocked a bit over the eye, nice red lipstick...
And a loving smile shining from her lips and eyes...I loved it...I also noticed the man, her man, standing next to her, beaming with pride...Hello...
So accepting aging is a wonderful thing,
When it is done with Grace...

smooches,
angelia

Are You Sure It's That?

Words fascinate me, I love messing with them, and I really love when someone coins or uses a phrase that Ican apply to stuff...I will think, use and laugh about it until I am tired of it...and there is one that has exhausted me lately...but I am moving slowly today so hang in there...
One I really love is one my eldest son uses, when he is not feeling something he will say, 'Don't cosign on the madness'...I LOVE that, it speaks volumes and is really great advice in a nice, small package...
But the one that has me thinking and pondering is....
Hater or Hating...
When that first came from the rap world or the NBA, which it seems so many cool phrases come from,
I said okay...well then...
But lately I see it used to describe situations that to me has nothing to do with anything remotely tied to hating (jealousy)...
Which leads me to ask, 'Are You Sure it's That?'
It seems that when full grown people use it...
It's because someone hasn't agreed with them,
Doesn't want into their agenda,
Is simply not buying what they are selling,
Not cosigning on their madness,
And as soon as that occurs then the person is labeled a 'Hater' or deemed to be 'Hating'...
What in the world happened to plain old, difference of opinion or do your thing and allow me to do mine...
When in the world did we get to the place when anytime someone isn't in to us,
Doesn't agree with us,
Can't see it our way,
They have to be hating...
It probably isn't that deep...
Or they may be saving your feelings by not telling you why they really aren't,
Fooling up with you...
Because what I have noticed is that the first people who say someone is hating,
Are often people who have so much going on in a negative way that people just don't want to be caught up or out like that,
Which leaves me to guess it's easier and more palatable to think someone is....
Hating...
Than to look inside and accept that it just might be something else....
They just might not be cosigning on your madness...
Hmmm....

Blessings,
angelia

Weeding...

'Ms. A, why are they like that?'
"Why is who like that?"
'People.'
"Come on baby, you are going to have to give me more to work with than that."
'Why are they so nice when you are doing nothing but so mean when you tighten up your game.'
Oh Oh...
"Well, I am sure there are a number of reasons. First it could simply be jealousy or maybe it is fear, the fear that if you do real well, you will forget them."
'They should know better, come on...'
'Sweetie, no one knows better until they know. And in some ways they are right.'
"Please, Ms. A I would never get brand new on my friends." Smiling I chose my words carefully....
"I am sure you wouldn't but sometimes you will have no choice. You my child are a flower. For years your buds were being choked by weeds. Now that you are fertilizing and watering yourself, the weeds are trying to choke you out."
"Ma'am?"
"What I am saying is that it is harder to be a flower than a weed. Weeds flourish, grow without any real care. Whereas a flower has to be nurtured to grow and even with all the watering, fertilizing and sunshine, sometimes the only way a flower can really come to full bloom is to be transplanted."
"That is so hard though, I don't want to be like that, forgetting where I came from."
'I know you don't and you don't have to forget where you came from, ever. What you have to do is remember that being from a place does not define you and you can be from somewhere and not of somewhere. And blooming will allow other flowers to take up the place of the weeds.'
"Oh, I see. It is that same thing you say about surrounding myself with good people, huh?"
'That's it sweetie, also the way to always remember where you came from is to reach back once you have been transplanted and sprinkle water, sunshine and fertilizer on someone else."
'Yes, ma'am. This flowering business sure is hard.'
"You bet it is, but is sure is beautiful."

Smooches,
angelia

Stripped Down...

How often do we really look at ourselves...
Naked...
Stripped Down...
Now I don't mean just in the literal sense,
Though we need to do that also,
But I mean look at who we are,
What we want,
What do we expect,
Because to truly accept ourselves,
We have to know ourselves.
Someone told me I was intimidating,
I asked why...
Is it because I am tall...(private joke)
They said, 'No because you are confident and really like yourself''
Hmmm...
It didn't take me too long to figure that out,
A confident woman is a frightening thing,
Only because so many of us are scared to death of who we really are,
And spend so much time hiding behind superficial stuff,
We don't strip down and get naked with ourselves,
So we don't ever strip down and get naked with others,
It's like faking in bed,
No one is getting anything from that,
Least of all you...
So to become a confident, woman who likes herself,
We must see ourselves, butt naked, literally and figuratively...
I know my strengths, my weaknesses, how I look and how I feel,
What I want and what I will not allow,
When you meet me, greet me, that is what you will get,
There is absolutely no time to walk around in masks,
Playing games with people,
Trying to fool them into purchasing a package,
Filled with stuff they don't know,
And might return once they take the shiny paper off,
So strip down,
Get naked,
Look at yourself,
Accept and Love what you see and who you are,
Amazingly people who matter and who get it and want it,
Will line up in droves,
Those that don't,
Well,
Que Sera, Sera....

Smooches,
angelia

Sista Love

Sista love,
there is nothing like it, you may not have been born of the same mamas,
But she is your sista,
You can laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Die your hair with her,
And she is like Ms. Clairol, she won't tell a soul,
You can fight with her,
The next day you alright with her,
She knows your mess,
She has seen your distress,
Sometimes she puts your nerves to the test,
But you know what you have with her is the best,
When all the rest,
Is making themselves less,
Sista love...
Never takes a rest...
I LOVE YOU MY SISTAS!!!!

blessings,
angelia

Finding the Goods...

I always try to find what’s good,
In everything…
When I am writing, even when I know my character has mad issues,
I make it my business to balance it with what is good in that person,
My character Brown had serious issues, but he was a good father, took care of his family while in the midst of his issues…
When reading I look for some redeeming characteristic in the bad one,
Sometimes it’s hard to find, especially if they have been written purposely bad…
The same is true when reviewing books,
I try to find something in there that will appeal to the potential reader,
Just because something isn’t my literary cup of tea, doesn’t in any way mean it will not be someone else’s,
When written badly I will say that but will try to temper it with something that works,
The same is true in my real people life,
I will make the effort to see the good in people,
Or to see what makes them beautiful,
Everyone has something… we simply have to make the effort to find it,
Understanding all the time that it doesn’t diminish our worth,
Or beauty to see the worth or beauty in someone else,
And if we can’t find it, relax and let them go…
Yesterday I was rolling through cyberspace…
I do that occasionally when I have a little time on my hands,
Want to see what’s up…
I saw some really cool stuff, laughed a little bit, was touched a few times, and then…
I saw what I call cyber mess,
When I see that I move on past,
For the life of me, I am unable to understand why people take it so seriously,
And are feuding, fighting and being downright goofy…
I love reading excerpts, opinions and participating,
But if I see meanness, pettiness or mess,
Mama is rolling on…
I will not comment, get involved or even tell anyone about it…
Life is too short for that,
It feels like bathing in dirty water,
When a crystal spring is available…
I know this short missive from me won’t change a thing,
But I would ask people to be careful about what they ‘say’…
Because that stuff lives on and on and on….
And often the impression that is left is the OPPOSITE of
What may have been intended...

Love and Blessings,
angelia

Rambler's Ramble...

Again this morning I reflect on why I ramble...
I am home in the middle of the week, tired....
I have to say '07 has been a buuussssyyy year...
Three books since last October, crazy work year, volunteerism up and going up again...
So I asked myself again last night why do I ramble,
And all I could come up with is I enjoy it,
And I enjoy the comments and feedback I recieve from people,
Beyond that I can't think of a reason,
Yesterday, I recieved so many emails off-blog about the blog, "Emotional and Unprepared"
Most were so touching and heartfelt,
And that reinforced my desire to ramble,
There has been a time or two when I have considered not doing it,
It would be one of the easiest things to let go,
But the comments from people and especially the emails let me know,
That I am on to something here, the same way I am with other forms of being there...
I love it when people come by, if they leave a comment cool...
If not cool...
I have had so many people 'pimp' my blog when I didn't even know they read my blog,
They had never left a comment or an email...
I like that...and am thankful,
Gracias' to the people who have asked me to join their blogs based on simply reading,
Ramblings...
What I know for sure is that I will not pen another novel for at least a year,
My young adult novel, 'Is No Not Clear Enough For You', will get all of me for at least a year,
I will continue my volunteerism, can't stop...
And I will ramble, a lot...

Love and Blessings,
angelia

Emotional and Unprepared...

I was asked what did I think was plaguing the young men in our community…
Causing so much violence, unprotected sex and high school dropout rates,
My answer was simple,
These kids are emotional and unprepared…
Many looked at me with questions in their eyes,
They understood unprepared to a great extent,
But emotional?
Yes, emotional.
So many see emotional as crying,
Well just because someone isn’t crying on the outside,
Doesn’t mean they aren’t bawling on the inside,
And when someone lashes out,
With their fists, their penises or a gun,
That’s an emotional response in textbook form,
It means when they don’t know what else to do,
They allow their emotions to lead them to life-defining decisions,
We will all admit that women are often more emotional than men,
And with great reason,
So if most boys in our communities are being raised by women,
Especially disenfranchised women who are in emotional turmoil themselves,
By default they get to be more emotional, because we mirror what we see,
So they aren’t crying tears because the world frowns on that,
But perpetrating, ‘Hard’…
Causes emotional turmoil which manifests itself in violent acts,
And one can’t become prepared to do anything,
When from day one the response has been emotional,
And society has immediately placed a nametag on your chest,
So young people, African American boys mostly are sitting in classrooms,
Unable to compete because they have been led to believe that they have to personify Manhood even when they are children, when in fact very few have role models to mirror,
Which define true manhood…
Anytime anyone asks what made the difference in my boys,
I immediately say their dad,
They got to see a MAN,
Someone who loved and honored their mother,
And was able to guide them on the path to being men,
Letting them know that the lack of tears doesn’t make a man,
But how one prepares to face life does,
Showing them that the best battles are won with their minds,
And with education, hard work, honoring women and staying the course when it would be easier to stop and do nothing…
So until boys are raised to be men in this manner,
We will continue to be plagued by generations who are,
Emotional and Unprepared….to compete,
Or be complete…

Love and Blessings…
angelia

Shhhhhhh...

People fascinate me and give me so much to write about…
Something I have always found profoundly and extremely fascinating are people who feel their conversation is life altering or changing….who withold it to make a point...
Stay with me I am going to clear this up,
Yesterday I observed a couple of long time friends walk past one another without any acknowledgment…immediately I was fascinated…
I didn’t have to wait long, one sat down beside me saying,
‘I’m not talking to her right now.’
I stayed quiet as is my way…so she continued,
‘She made me mad and I am not going to talk to her for awhile…’
Okay,
I didn’t ask her what her friend had done, really didn’t care, what I did ask was a question that had been on my mind for decades,
“What will not talking to her do?” Puzzlement rested on her face.
‘Huh’. So I asked again,
“What will not talking to her do? Will she get in line, apologize, what?”
‘I don’t know.’ I realized she didn’t know, but I also realized that there was something in her that sensed or needed some kind of a reaction and whether she had articulated it or not, she felt her conversation was very important to that person.
Maybe it is, I don’t know, but maybe it isn’t and she will risk losing someone she cares about by not talking to them.
Years ago, I had a work friend who stopped talking to me.
I was oblivious for weeks.
We would nod and speak in the mornings, then go to our offices and work.
After several weeks she asked me to go to lunch, I said sure.
At lunch she apologized for not talking and then told me why.
I was flabbergasted. I hadn’t noticed we weren’t talking. I had assumed we were just very busy and hadn’t had time to socialize. After all we were at work…seeing the blank look on my face, she asked,
‘Did you even notice?’ Slightly embarrassed I mumbled something about being busy, but the truth is, I hadn’t.
Not because I didn’t care, but because we were adult women and I figured we would tell the other if there were something to tell,
And as someone who goes to a quiet place when busy, tired or sad, I respect others right to do the same,
And I never assume I am so important that not talking to someone will cause them grief or anxiety and I reserve the right to not become grieved or anxious when someone is not talking to me…so after reflecting on this I said to my associate,
“Well, if you really care about her, why don’t you just tell her what is up? Work it out. Why risk ruining something good by not talking?” She looked at me as she stood, nodding. I am totally unsure if she got what I was saying or if it mattered. Maybe the power of thinking she was handling her friend was enough. But what I do know is that if the person is of any import to you, your silence may become their silence and what is gained by that?

Love and Blessings,
angelia

Word!

A friend asked me where do the words come from,
I told her my heart and my head,
Also from all the things I have gone through,
Seen others go through,
Mostly my ability to sit still and think,
So many describe me as a people person,
And to a great extent I am, but only in the sense of service,
Mostly I am a quite, quiet self-contained person,
Who rarely feels a need to mingle,
I want to mingle, ocassionally
But that is different,
Needing to mingle indicates something missing,
That hopefully can be found by mingling,
Whereas wanting to, simply means I enjoy mingling,
And would like to do so sometimes...
Therefore as an internal being,
It gives me an inordinate (all the time)
Amount of time to mentally explore,
Then to write down what is in my heart,
Or what has been imparted to me through experience,
Or through study,
As I have said before I am simply a vessel,
And why God has chosen at this time to allow me to speak, to ramble...
Without pausing, through my words,
Is of no import to me, I don't question, I accept...
I will just do as has been divined,
There were years when I was talking and saying nothing,
Caught up in superficial, politically correct conversations,
But one day as a Grown Woman I knew that all that I had seen,
Been told and taught,
Even those things I had been blessed with had to come to the surface,
Otherwise, what was the point of knowing something,
Believing something,
If you aren't sharing something,
Because an unshared gift or blessing,
Is wasted...

Love and Blessing,
angelia

A Mama's Heart...

Parenting is hard work,
I tell you truly, there are no down days, vacation times, when those children are in the house...
It is twenty-four seven,
But it's worth it, when it all comes together for good,
My youngest was a handful,
The most loving kid, excellent student...
But sometimes arrogant and downright obstinate about what he believed or believed in,
He took me there more than once,
But the thing I knew was that with his heart, his focus and his determination,
He would be a MAN,
I am watching that come to fruition,
He makes his own decisions, charts his own course,
And stays linked to his parents in allowing us to share his success,
Always thanking us for being loving, hardnosed disciplinarians,
Last night he called to tell us he had been accepted into an elite language course,
And only twenty made it and his score was one of the highest,
He is the only Black,
All I could think,
After giving thanks to God,
Is hanging in there is the truth,
And that we must never throw our hands up,
Or give up, we must plow on,
I remember being ridiculed by more permissive parents,
As being too strict,
Or having people tell me when those kids were teenagers,
To just let them go, boys will be boys,
But what I knew for sure is that since we brought them here,
It was our responsibility to stay the course,
Never wavering in our love, support or being wishy-washy,
Whew...
'Parenting is not for Punks'
Was my motto,
This morning I am a proud Mama,
So Malik, Young Deep the Dictator,
You have done your Mama Proud...

angelia

Are We Having Fun Yet...

Are we too grown to have fun?
Not me, I am truly having a second childhood...
My kids tell me that all the time, with pride in their voices I might add...
They know if they stop by, I might be blaring music and dancing all alone in my house,
Or their dad and I might be laughing so hard at something,
They can hear us when they get to the door...
Even at church I get to laugh,
Last night we had an amazing message,
But the beauty is that our Pastor is so funny,
And sometimes, last night being one of them, my side ached from giggling out loud,
How cool is that, an expository message and laughter...
I remember reading an article last week about sixty year olds having more fun,
Than forty year olds...
Someone said it is because the kids are gone...
I am a decade from sixty, and I am having a blast,
My kids are gone,
But mostly it is because there is nothing to prove to anyone,
No one to impress,
I take care of myself to be healthy to live and to laugh,
These days I take the stairs in order to keep my heart rate up,
Not just for a tight booty,
I eat mostly vegetables,
Because it keeps my skin shiny and allows me to eat those chips and ice cream,
On Fridays,
And I revel in the love of a wonderful, spiritual man who I love and who loves me,
And I take time out to play,
When I get with my young nieces,
I allow them to teach me all the latest dances...
Sometimes I read a book simply because it is fun and will make me laugh out loud,
And when I love,
And laugh,
It comes all the way from my soul and spirit,
Without regard for who is watching,
Or what they may think about my antics,
Because acting grown up is tiresome,
When you are feeling like a kid inside,
So loosen up,
Let your hair down,
Have some fun...

Love and Blessings,
Angelia

Reading Comfort Zones..

What about reading or what kinds of books take you out of your comfort zone...
Now let's forget editing, formatting and those kinds of things,
I mean when you have a well-written book in your hand, what moves you to a place of discomfort,
But will not allow you to put the book down,
I am pretty easy when it comes to book types,
My first loves are lit fiction, documentary stylye non-fiction and mainstream fiction,
But I have been known to read everything,
I will admit that I have read some erotica that took me out of my comfort zone,
Because when I came to know what erotica was it had very little to do with extremely hardcore or with violence, I love well written, heated sex scenes, but when a woman is being harmed or hurt that is uncomfortable for me...
I will admit though, I read a book like that and the writing was so tight, I read to the very end, uncomfortable the whole time...
Another thing that sometimes gets to me is overblown 'materialism', my eyes glaze over when every other page is about clothes, jewelry or rides...
I am currently reading a book, 'Love's Troubadors' that I had preconcieved notions about when I started reading, but I am really enjoying and the uber narrative style has become so cool, because the writer has made me feel her character's pain and what she is going through, I know her...
Come on fess up, I want to know...

smooches,
Nosy Angel

Comfort Zones

Comfort zones, we all have them...
We know what we like to eat...
To read...
To write...
And we do it in those ways because it is comfortable,
However to grow, sometimes we have to move from our zones...
Most of my work life has been spent in comfort zones...
I have had a variety of careers,
But that all pretty much existed in arenas where I knew,
I would do well...
Figures and Logic,
That is where I worked and what worked for me,
Maybe the corporation was different,
But if numbers and logic were involved,
I was good...
I also did not take on things I knew I didn't do well,
If I tried it and it didn't work,
I didn't do it again,
Writing a book took me way out of my comfort zone...
I had written many things,
Had even won a scholarship based on a written work,
But it wasn't the same,
Writing a book meant that I was taking a risk,
Putting myself out there on the line,
With the expectation that people would purchase,
Read and hopefully enjoy what I had written,
And since reading is so subjective,
I knew that the way my mind worked,
I was not going to write in a way that was prescribed,
The beauty of it all,
Was I was so innocent,
I wrote that first book,
Unleashing on the world without anyone's input,
And had sold a respectable number of copies before I was really,
Involved in the literary scene,
So once I was and I discovered how much I didn't know,
Enough readers had spoken, positively, encouragingly and constructively,
Allowing me to know that I could do this,
I just needed to work on some 'thangs.'
Also I came to writing from a place of some economic comfort,
I knew that if I didn't sell a book,
I could go back to a pretty nice life...
So I started out with a big plan,
To write a trilogy,
Book II was my baby,
'Cinnamon's Universe', it took me fourteen months from the publication of
'Black's Obsession'to put it out there, though it was done before my short stories,
Just held on to it,
Once I had done book II, Book III, Brown's Possession, came so quick it startled me,
Now I know why,
I had become comfortable again,
I needed to do something different,
I had told that story and needed to step once again,
Out of the zones and take a chance on what I had meant to do in the first place...
I needed to stretch,
And sprint, launch, spring out of my comfort zone,
Because I knew, there is never a time,
When Growth is not a good thing...

angelia

Sisterhood...

How many times have we heard a woman say...
I don't do women...
I have heard that so many times lately,
It is amazing,
I am led to wonder what is behind this,
I was watching a court tv show yesterday and the woman defendant said,
'I don't do females...'
The female judge was incensed,
And in short order told the woman her feelings,
To paraphrase her,
'We only hurt ourselves when we are unable to love our sisters, and always find ourselves in competition with them....'
So true...
I have longstanding, loving relationships with many women,
Though I will have to admit that I have felt a woman's wrath,
Without really understanding where it was coming from,
There have been situations where I have walked into a room of my sisters,
And immediately feel I am on Siberia,
When asking other sisters about this, they will sometimes laugh uncomfortably,
Saying,
'You know how women are...'
And I find myself thinking,
'I sure do, I was raised by a legion of women, and there are women who I can call and they will always answer.'
One of my female friends, however, was very honest,
She told me,
'Women are set up to compete with each other.'
I asked,
'What does that have to do with me?'
Smiling, she looked straight in my eyes,
'Well, you carry yourself in a way that makes people uncomfortable, you are confident, attractive and always seem to have it together and that makes people who don't feel they are those things lash out.'
Pain roiled through my gut,
Because I know the dynamics of that kind of thinking is so deeply entrenched as to be permanent,
So much of that was set up in slavery, skin color madness, hair length madness, house slave verus-field slave madness...
Divide and Conquer madness...
What is it that we can do, or say that will stop the madness of us feeling that we have to compete with another sister...and if we can't compete...
Freezing her out....
Or lashing out in a way that is detrimental to all of us,
For generations to come...
I surely don't know,
But I am open to suggestions...

Love and Blesssings,
angelia

Tagged the 1st Time

Dee Savoy tagged me about books, so here goes,

Total Number of Books Read
Too many to count by far, I have been reading since age four and has never had a 'no reading day'. There isnt a room in my house that does not have a book shelf...

Last Book Read
The Wind Follower by Carole McDonnell, this book was an epic journey into Medieval Africa and tackled so many issues regarding race, class, religion and sex. It was written as a Christian Fantasy but that classification in no way describes this book. It is well-written and complex and would make for so many interesting, heated discussions.

Last Book Bought
The Ex-Files by Victoria Christpher Murphy, I am still reading as we speak, and am enjoying. The story is about four women who are exes who are brought together to learn to handle thier issues with prayer and friendship.

Five Meaningful Books
Just Above My Head by James Baldwin is one of my favorite books of all time. I love the way Mr. Baldwin explores the dynamics of family, religious influence and confused sexuality. I have always loved how fully-fleshed his female characters are. In this book he does all these to a fare-the-well.
Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver is a book for women who are living and thinking they should be able to do and have it all. Mary and Martha from the bible are used as the examples. Mary knows that sometimes it is good to sit still, while Martha is always busy and needing recognition for her efforts. Reading this book took me to a calm place.
Waiting in Vain by Colin Channer, is a literary delight. Mr. Channer introduces us to chance love and takes us below the surface of his characters in a way that made me feel I knew them personally. And the way he writes of Jamaica had me wanting to purchase a ticket. I have read this book several times.
The Autobiography of Malcolm X is a book I first read when twelve and have purchased for every young man in my life. This book resonated in my heart in such a way that I can't even explain why it touched me. One reason has to be because it was a story of a MAN, who had so many problems and issues, but learned from the mistakes and GREW.
Blues Dancing by Dianne Mckinney Whetstone is the ultimate love story. This book touched my heart. I was amazed how this story that could have been so tragic was so beautiful and touching.

angelia

Why I Blog...Again

This morning I woke up with a totally different blog idea...
However after opening an email from a 'friend' I knew I needed to blog,
Again,,,
About why I blog...
First I will address the email,
The short version was, 'Angelia, I love your blogs, they have enlightened and inspired me,
However, be careful you don't offend your friends,'
HUH? So of course I asked had I offended her,
Couldn't figure out how, because I don't know her like that, but curiosity was killing the panther...
"Oh no, not me but someone I know, a mutual friend said you called her out on a blog,'
HUH?
I told her good looking out and decided for the sake of argument I would readdress why I blog,
First, I have never called anyone out on a blog, whatever that means,
I will say that there are not many things,
I won't blog about...
My Ramblings, are just that, My Ramblings,
Something will occur at home...
Work...
Church...
Online...
Any old place...
And if it touches me in any way, I will blog about it,
A form of therapy if you will,
I have a work friend who has inspired many of my blogs,
And though at times I have made her uncomfortable,
She has always said, 'She loved reading about what happened from a different perspective.'
And that is all a blog is really something from the perspective of the blogger,
So ladies and gentleman,
Ramblings is a place where I talk,
Share,
Opine,
And sometimes get downright goofy,
But darlings,
It is never a place for foolishness,
Or madness,
Or calling someone out like I am a middle-aged, female rapper,
Though I do have a few mic skills,
And can freestyle a little something, something...
Giggling,
I simply show up here,
To Ramble...

Love and Blessings,
Angelia

COMING OUT...

I'm coming out, I want the world to know, got to let it show, no my people I am not trying to plagiarize Ms. Ross...
I'm sure there are a few saying, 'I knew it, I read her books, I knew it...' Giggling...
First let me say, I am a chameleon,
Traveling the world for twenty-one years I had a new career every two-three years,
It was a necessity...
Arrive at new place...take a few courses...get a new job...work hard...get a promotion or two...
Move on...loved it...
Some see my dress style and say, 'She sure is conservative...'
See me in a different place and say, 'Oh my God the conservative is ocassionally a Bohemian'
Well...I am a conservative, bohemian, eclectic something or the other...
Guess that's why I am still married, my man is married to so many women, all in one body...
But the coming out I'm talking about, speaking to, expounding upon has to do with my writing,
When I started writing and sending out short stories in 2004, they went out as Angelia...
Period,
However,
When I decided to publish books I became acVernon Menchan,
That name is who I am, ac are given names, Vernon-maiden name, Menchan-married name,
I told myself it was a way to honor everyone,
The truer truth is it was a way to hide in plain sight,
I know a lot of people...
A lot of people...
And there was something in me that needed anonymity when I started writing,
While that pen name INDICATED who I was I could go in and out,
I remember a couple months ago I was doing a signing, reading and there was an ad that ran in my hometown newspaper almost two weeks,
People were calling aroung wondering who the local author was,
They knew the names separate, but couldn't make sense of them together...
Once I decided to write YA fiction though, I knew I would come all the way out,
Because in order to do what I was planning to do,
In the way I was planning to do it,
I could not hide, in plain sight or otherwise,
I would have to represent fully who I am,
What I am about,
Where I have been,
Where I am,
Where I am going and,
How I got here,
And how I am going to get there,
And I am ready to do that,
Because as I told my friend last week,
I had to know it was the WRITE stuff,
And mother had to make sure she was driving the right vehicle...
So ladies and gentleman...
I will stand and say...
I am Angelia Vernon Menchan, and I am preparing to present to the world,
Young Adult fiction as it is coined by the industry,
As you know I have my own name for it,
I am writing, 'Ageless Fiction'...
Until the next reinvention...

Love and Blessings,
Angelia

Chilling...

"Hey baby, you look a little tired."
'I am, a bit. You know I've been grinding these last couple of months, but it's good.'
"Well you need to chill a bit...take some time, rest up..."
'I know but there is so much to do...'
"What's to do? It's just us...besides, you got me...I can drop a load of laundry in the machine on my way out the door. When I get back I can run it through dry. I don't have time to do anything around here, but I will call one of your girls and surely a promise of dollars will get them over here to run the vacuum and dust things off..."
'Well that sounds really good. Because all I really want to do is take a shower, braid my hair and veg out in old clothes all day. I may read a bit, watch a movie or two and I might even eat bad food...'
"Then do that, I already got you a pint of Ben and Jerry's, there are also some really crunchy chips, and we always have fortified grape juice....winking..."
'Uh, that sounds real good, now if I had a couple of newspapers and a magazine I would be straight until this evening...'
"Woman, you know I know, check the table next to your chair, it is all there..."
'You are too good to me, what did I do to deserve all this...'
"You got me, I got you...it's just that simple..."
'Well alright, I'll see you later, I love you and thanks...'
"Don't thank me, thank God, that's what I do everyday for him giving you to me..."
'Well now...'
"I love you, I'll check in with you later, don't do a thing..."
'Not a thing, I will be chilling...'

Love and Blessings,
angelia

How Much Is Enough?

How much is enough?
What is the magic number?
Is it ever enough?
Yes, I am pondering and observing again…
My commute home is about forty minutes, which allows me a time to unwind,
After a ten hour day that begins when most folks are sleeping, peacefully,
That is my thought time,
Usually I’m listening to Jill Scott, Stormy Cleveland, Jaguar Wright, Anthony Hamilton or a combination of types…
Yesterday I pondered the, ‘When is it Enough?”
I thought back to the days of when one gets their first real job,
How it feels that now, finally, you will be on your own two…
Own apartment, own car, can go out to dinner and dancing with friends,
Happy days are here,
Hold up, wait a minute,
It only takes a couple paychecks to realize that the apartment, car and nights out are going to be a bit different than expected,
Especially after taxes, food, and toothpaste is figured in…
But you go on, get raises, move up the ladder, change jobs a few times,
Then one day you see your pay voucher and think,
“Surely that is enough, that is more than all my ancestors earned rolled up in one,”
However,
It really doesn’t feel like enough,
Because on the real,
The studio apartment is now a McMansion,
The hoopty has become a car that cost more than your parent’s house,
And dinner and dancing takes some Benjamins,
Of course you know I was going to tie this to books,
What is your magic number when it comes to books sold?
How many is enough?
Most have a figure, even if they are reluctant to say,
I read somewhere, a person say they would sell ten grand,
First time out or they wouldn’t get out there,
I thought, they probably shouldn’t get out there,
Because...
Ten grand is certainly possible and has occurred for many, but we,
KNOW,
That rarely does that happen out the gate,
Even with the best laid plans and intentions,
Earlier in the year I was at a festival and one of the authors was very honest,
She was traditionally published, had an agent and a publicist,
She said,
“I continue to write the books because hopefully they will catch on, all of this stuff gets very expensive when you are not even breaking even.” So true…
That will probably explain to some why some authors are so prolific,
They know that one isn’t going to be enough, so they do as many as they can,
Praying that there is strength in numbers,
When I started writing,
I didn’t have a single number in my mind,
Strange but true…
My goal was to write what somebody wanted to read,
Start out locally, work what and who I knew,
Gradually working my way into the consciousness of readers,
Who are the greatest force in bookselling, because people talk about and recommend what they enjoy,
Ultimately, having folks wait with some anticipation for the next effort,
So I was writing, trying to get better with each effort and having some longevity,
In this writing game,
Having always been patient to a fault, that worked, is working for me,
Might not work for others,
Because if you have a finite number in your head,
There is a good chance that you might have to change your figures,
Or you might have to spend an infinite amount of time and money,
Truly pushing books in a way that may work in the short term,
But may leave you too tired or broke to go on in the long run,
Or you may simply have to decide that what ever amount you earn,
Is enough for that book and take what you have learned,
Then go back to the drawing (writing) board and take a different approach,
However if enough is never enough…
I don’t know what to tell you,
But I will keep you in my prayers…

Blessings
angelia

The Fictionalized Truth

I have named my work, ‘Fictionalized Truths’, many have asked why…
I tell them because everything I write is someone’s truth, I have simply chosen to present it in a fictionalized form…
Does this mean that I am writing someone’s biography and changing the names to protect the guilty?
Absolutely not…
What I am saying is that the truth is often simpler, yet more complicated than we want to admit and nothing is cut and dry…
For instance my trilogy is about a love triangle,
One that actually works,
Most people say, ‘I could never do that.’
‘That would never work’
Well, babies, I am here to tell you that there are so many permeations of love and relationships…
And everything has been done,
Just because someone is not telling you the minute details of their lives doesn’t mean it isn’t going on,
And that it doesn’t work for them…
Because what usually complicates and tears life apart isn’t what,
People know that is going on in their own lives,
But,
What other people know or are saying,
My characters have an uncanny ability not to be as concerned with what others,
Think,
Or say,
Which allows them to live,
As they have chosen,
In books what muddles it up for people is,
If there is a love triangle,
There is usually untold drama,
Someone has to get beat up, or killed,
Or at a minimum left or divorced,
So many books are written about what we feel MUST happen,
Instead of what potentially could happen,
Or just might happen,
That is what I try do, I write about what could happen,
Or what might happen,
And probably should happen,
Dependent upon who is involved,
Why they are involved,
And if in the greater scheme of things it is worth it…
Most of my ideas come from real life observations,
I can have a conversation with someone and one phrase or statement,
Will become a short story or a novel,
Or I can sit quietly in a park, observing folks and create in my head,
Based upon their body language or how they look what their story could be…
Then my mission becomes to tell it as truthfully as I can,
In a fictionalized format…
It is just that simple…
Truly,

angelia

The BackStory

I love the backstory,
What is the backstory?
It is those stories within stories, the ones that may or may not have to do with the main characters,
But they can,
In my trilogy they do...
In Black's Obssession we meet Black, he is uberman, a self-made, handsome millionaire who has it all...
All except Cinnamon, the woman he has loved for over thirty years, to whom no one can compare,
Loves her so much he infiltrates her life, knowing she is happily married to his friend,
In Cinnamon's Universe the main story is Cinnamon giving in to her love for Black....while....holding on with everything in her to her long-term marriage to Brown, the poor child is in love with two handsome, wealthy men who love her like a sickness, and will do whatever it takes not to lose her....poor Cinnamon,
Finally, we get to Brown's Possession....A Family's Progression, and we see these three people doing everything they can to hold on to what they have, without destroying what they have always had...a slippery slope indeed....
Those are the main stories...
However the backstories are what inspire me...
How in Black's Obsession, Black never gets what he wants but it does not stop him from doing what matters...He mentors the young men in his community, he adopts his bi-racial nephew because his Jewish brother-in-law is unable to raise him, when he retires and returns home he builds homes in failing communities so that those who thought they never could...can...Cinnamon and her friend throw fundraisers to raise awareness about AIDS and teenaged pregnancy...
Cinnamon's Universe has these people embroiled in a passionate love triangle, however they find time to start businesses to help brothers down on their luck get work, Cinnamon, after discovering a secret about her daughter ventures out to tell the stories of young girls who are afraid to speak for themselves, putting her own reputation on the line...because she knows it really isn't about her...
Brown's Possession, has their feelings, love and pain on full blast, but there is still time to open a school in a community for kids who have been written off as losers, time to spend hours shelling peas with the ancestors, time to do the things that are needed...those are the Backstories, the stories that define the whys and hows...
The stories that I know it is now time to tell...
Talking to my son the other day, cleared it up for me, he said, "Mama when you publish your young adult book the world will know what I have always known."
I asked, "What is that?"
"That you were placed here to reach us, to teach us, to show us, while never judging us and allowing us to be who we are." My heart exploded.
So I asked, "What about the other stories?"
"Mama you had to tell those to be able to tell the real stories."
"Thanks."
"No probs...I love you."
"I Love you." I held the phone in my hand for several minutes, then I knew I needed to get to work.
There were so many BACKSTORIES, to be told.

blessings,
angelia

What's your price?

What's Your Price...
What's it Worth to you...
What will you do for it...

These are questions that at some point we must all ask ourselves,
How much will we give away or compromise to get what we want...
We all know that in life or death situations we are all capable of a lot of things,
And that is not where I am going,
I mean if you want something that you probably could live without if you didn't get it...
What would you do to get it just because you reallllllly want it...

I recall a woman I worked with in the mid-nineties,
She built hotels for a living,
I had been hired as a purchasing/marketing type and we worked together for a bit over a year,
We were in Hawaii and the hotel industry is dog-eat-dog,
I was on one of those new ventures so I was cool,
This was her life,
Her basic philosohy was, 'Everyone is a 'ho' for something, we all have a price,
I suspect she had made many compromises to get where she was and needed to feel better about her,
By believing we were all the same...
She and I were real cool,
But what she called my all-consuming spiritual calmness,
Sometimes annoyed her,
Usually that was when she would make the 'we all a ho for something' comment...
Near the end of my time there I knew I was done with the industry and she found out,
She couldn't name my price, she made me an offer she thought I couldn't refuse,
But I sayed no and kept it moving....

That is something we as writers must consider,
What will we do to make the big bucks,
If big bucks is our agenda,
Will we change our stories,
Will we add components that will probably not make or break our story,
But will certainly at a minimum grab someone's attention....temporarily...
Because all things that are trendy change,
That's why it is a trend...
There have been a couple of times when I have had to ask myself in this short life as writer,
And don't be fooled I have been tempted...
A time or two...
When someone dangled something in front of my face...
But...
At the very end,
Of every day.
The only person I have to face in the mirror is me...
Myself,
And I,
And if it isn't something I can live with,
Be proud of,
Then I will have to say,
You probably don't have enough to make an offer...

Blessings,
angelia